Stoned Reviews review shop [CFCU]

1. Lady Dracula

Lady Dracula by @gavvettewavvette

Title, cover, and blurb:

I really like this cover, it's really clean and professional. I could also see this looking great with a more dramatic or gothic font! The cover leans into the darkness of the story, and that makes me excited to start reading!

The blurb is really descriptive, and gives me a sense for the kind of vastness to expect in this story. It tells me you've done a lot of world building! 

One grammar comment: The first sentence is incomplete and could be written as, "One night, during a feast of creatures that feed on mortals' lifeblood, a game of intrigue begins."

Writing style:

I appreciate the atmosphere you've created in your writing. The long sentences feel intricate and timeless, which fit well with the aesthetic of the story. 

In Chapter 2: "Without the sun posing as the warden, I could behold the splendor of the dense mountainside." This is a gorgeous image. The metaphor is strong and the sentence flows just like the landscape does. I love this! Also, "My words died in the wind." 

You write fantastic action scenes, like the battle between Limier and Henriette in chapter 2. Great pacing and imagery!

In Chapter 3, "The peoples' eyes were stuck in permanent stillness, but they still followed my every movement" is horrifyingly wonderful. 

Some suggestions:

Paragraphs should usually be broken up every time someone speaks, unless it's all one character and action. 

I'm noticing some phrases you use a lot, like "_____ escaped my lips," or "_____ pierced my senses." Things happen to the narrator and it feels very passive, which doesn't totally match her personality. Maybe try a more active voice some of the time, like "I sighed," or "I saw," or "there was"! 

It's okay to say "eyes" instead of "hues"/"irises"/"orbs." Using more expressive words sparingly makes them stand out to the reader and have a bigger impact. 

Grammar, punctuation, and spelling:

Be mindful of run-on sentences, like: "We passed through ashes of both vampires and wood, their groans were swallowed by angry flames." These can both be sentences of their own: "We passed through ashes of both vampires and wood. Their groans were swallowed by angry flames."

When you have a dialogue tag after someone speaks, the punctuation should be: "Dialogue," he said. Instead of: "Dialogue." He said. 

In chapter 1, I think you are missing "eyes" in the sentence: "a pair of hateful glared through binoculars."

I didn't notice any spelling errors or typos, which I make all the time! Nice work :)

Characters:

Limier: I like how you've written this character A LOT. First, I saw her treat the maids with kindness, but that image changed pretty quickly. Early on, she came across as subtly cold and calculating. As her dark side really emerged, it made total sense with her previous characterization, building to really heightened chaotic moments! And boy are first impressions wrong, because the way she has Yves kill that girl is brutal!

Louis: I don't feel like I have a great sense for his character yet. He strikes me as kind of timid. He clearly cares enough about Limier to offer her blood. Is he really motivated by love? But, I think the dynamic between Limier and Louis might be one of the strongest parts of this story!

Henriette: Only briefly present, she seems like a powerful opponent.

Blanche: A really interesting character that stood out to me. His emotional outburst in chapter 3 is revealing. His philosophy is uniquely human: "None of you should live this long" implies "while humans die." Strangely, Blanche feels like the character with the most depth and mystery so far. 

Dialogue:

You put a lot of detail into your dialogue, and it feels like we're being fed the lines in exactly the way you want us to read them. For example, the frequent use of "stuttering" (I'm not sure that's the right word, but things like "O-our names?"), non-traditional punctuation ("I don't recognize any of you?" with a question mark instead of a period), lots of ellipses ("..."), and capitalized dialogue. This is a personal preference, but I don't find these additions super necessary. When all together, they can clutter up your dialogue. 

It's clear that you have a strong sense for how these characters are speaking. But, I think you can trust readers to hear the characters' voices come through without over-complicating the dialogue. If I was editing for you, I would want to remove most of the "stuttering" and simplify the dialogue overall. 

Aside from these things, the actual content of the dialogue is natural and sharp. I think the back and forth between Limier and Louis, adapting to the emotional states of each, is artfully done. 

Plot:

This tale is certainly a dark and gruesome one! It is rich and action-filled. I never struggled to find the motivations that drove the events of the story. Even as it escalated dramatically, it was in proportion to the emotional stake (haha) each character had in the plot. 

Some of the stand-out moments for me:

When Louis reveals he knew another vampire. This moment was a major shift in the story, it feels like! It's an emotionally rich scene. Here are a couple of ideas for edits!

"He grew sheepish as I looked into his emerald eyes. His shoulders dropped a centimeter as he scratched his neck and averted his eyes.

'Well, I knew someone who was like you. A vampire.'

Oh, now it made sense.

'Is that why you were so accepting of me, despite me being a monster?'"

I love this moment. It's definitely something to highlight!

The way Limier pulls Blanche's heart out of his chest?! Damn, that imagery is great. 

Some suggestions/questions:

In Chapter 1, why is the surgeon in the hospital asking Limier who she is? A more dramatic line might be, "What are you?"

Are vampires immune to all physical forces besides fire? Why did the parents die in a fire, but Limier survives a grenade? 

Requested: Thoughts on the lore

The lore feels really interwoven throughout this story. I honestly appreciate that it's not just re-told directly. There's a bit more mystery. There are elements of vampire lore that are familiar to me, but including elements of magic is unique in a subtle way.

We hear reference to the ancient history that precedes these characters. For centuries-old vampires, they're bound to have a messy history! It definitely feels like there's more to learn, but it's unfolding at a pace that's not too much at once. From the treaties, to old feuds, to the destruction of villages, there's a lot to unearth! 

Thanks for sharing your story with me, it was a really enjoyable read! Your writerly strengths really shine in your characterization and artful control over the plot. There are a few formatting/grammar revisions that could help your story shine with a little more clarity. I hope these comments and suggestions are helpful, and I wish you luck with your writing adventures!