Speechless | Spencer Reid FanFiction ✔️

Chapter 30: Spices & Cheese*

     It is now 2 and a half weeks before Christmas and I'm waiting on Spencer to come home from the case he just wrapped up with the team. I'm sitting on the living room couch watching an old rerun of "Friends" on nick at nite with a glass of wine and Ryder curled up on my lap. I hadn't heard much from Spencer the last few days, so I don't know much about the case. I just know he's on the way home. When he doesn't talk to me much I never know what to expect from him when he comes home.
     I hear the key in the door and Ryder perks up and wags his tail at the sound, knowing it's probably Spencer finally coming home. When Spencer walks in, finally, Ryder launches off the couch to greet him. Spencer comes in and hangs up his stuff by the door, ignoring Ryder and his excitement to see him. After a second he bends down and pets Ryder briefly. At his silence I slowly stand up and say "Spence? You okay?" He just shakes his head and walks to the kitchen. I slowly follow him to the kitchen and watch him pour himself a glass of whiskey, a bigger glass than he normally drinks after a hard case.
     I decide to watch quietly and observe before I say anything. I don't know what kind of state he is in or where his mind has taken him. I sit down at the island as he leans against the counter, facing me but not looking at me. I quietly ask "do you want to talk about it?" He coldly says "no," and doesn't say anything else, slowly sipping his whiskey. I nod and say "I'm going to go to bed, you know where to find me. I love you, Spencer." He nods and doesn't say anything back which hurts me a bit. I try not to take it personally.
     I go brush my teeth and wash my face before getting in bed with Ryder. I lay there for a while, silently worrying about my boyfriend. I'm curled up with Ryder and I lie still for so long I start to fall asleep when I hear the door creak open. I hear Spencer come in and quietly walk to the bathroom where he shuts the door behind him. I don't move and just pretend to be asleep. After a few minutes he comes back and takes off his clothes before putting on a pair of pajama pants and crawling into bed with me.
      I am laying still, facing his side of the bed in my position. Once he gets in bed with me he gently wraps an arm around me and pulls me closer to him, kissing my temple and saying "I love you. I'm sorry," assuming I'm asleep as he holds me tight and slowly falls asleep next to me. I sit there and wonder what could be affecting him so much, what could make him so cold to me? I decide to just be happy for now that he came back to me before allowing myself to drift off to sleep in Spencer's embrace.

•••••

      The next morning I wake up and see Spencer still sleeping next to me. I decide to take the day off and spend it with him because he usually has the day off after cases wrap up. I think he probably needs me, or somebody at least, after his behavior last night. I do my stay at home morning routine quietly and leave the bedroom to make some coffee and cook some breakfast. I decide to make waffles and scrambled eggs for us and wait for Spencer to wake up. I sit at the island drinking my coffee and start to eat my breakfast when I hear footsteps coming down the hall.
      I look up and smile "hey Spence! I made breakfast for us." He looks at me confused "why aren't you at work?" I slowly get up and walk towards him "you seemed like you might need somebody right now, Spence, after how you came home last night." He nods and says "I'm fine. You can go to work." I shake my head "Spencer, I already called in, it's done." He seems angry and I have no idea why. He raises his voice slightly and says "Annie, I don't need you to baby me." I take a deep breath and say "Spencer, I am not trying to baby you. Even the most well adjusted and mature adults need somebody sometimes."
       I notice his fists are clenched at his side. I nod and say "well I'll go take Ryder for a walk and give you some privacy." He doesn't say anything as I go back to the room to change into leggings and tennis shoes. I go back into the kitchen and get Ryder ready for a walk. I look at Spencer and say "I get that you're upset and it's probably something I'll never understand, but you don't have to treat me like this. Eat some breakfast and have some coffee. Please try to be in a better mood when I get back. Or at least talk to me about why you're so upset so I can help."
       I don't wait for an answer and I take Ryder and leave before he can even say anything. As I walk Ryder and he happily trots along the sidewalk I wrack my brain for what could have Spencer so upset that he's bringing it home with him. He's usually so good about compartmentalizing or at least talking it out with me or Morgan or whoever. Then an idea hits me. I take out my phone and dial Morgan's number. He picks up on the fourth ring with a gruff "Morgan." I say "hey, Morgan, it's Annie."
      Morgan says "oh hey Annie what's up?" I chuckle lightly before asking "can you clue me in on why my boyfriend is being so grumpy with me?" Morgan hums before saying "it's probably because Strauss forced JJ to transfer to a position at the Pentagon last night. It was very sudden." I hum in understanding before asking "that's all? Nobody died or got hurt or anything?" Morgan says "no we actually saved the victim last night and put away the two guys who tried to kill her." I chuckle and say "so he's just mad about JJ leaving?" Morgan hums and says "I guess so? He was pretty quiet last night so I thought he was upset, but I didn't think this was something he'd sulk about so long?"
      I shake my head and say "I don't know what has him so upset either." I hum before saying "thanks for the insight, Morgan. I'll keep you updated on him." Morgan says "okay let me know if you need anything, Annie?" I say "you got it," and hang up. On the way back to the apartment I try to get a speech ready or just something so I'm prepared for what Spencer might say or be upset. I just want to be there for him and after this long he should know that.
      I get inside the apartment with Ryder and unhook the leash from his harness before walking in to the kitchen where Spencer is sitting, finishing his breakfast and coffee. I stand across the island from him, arms crossed defensively, ready to get shut down again and ask "so, do you want to talk about it now?" He shakes his head, not making eye contact with me. I take a deep breath and say "okay, you have 4 options. 1. You talk to me about this. 2. You talk to Morgan or Hotch or whoever about this. 3. You talk to a therapist about this if you don't want to talk to any of us. 4. You sit and sulk over whatever has happened and don't get help from anybody. None of those options include you getting an attitude with me and shutting me down when all I want is to help you. If you don't want to talk about it with me I understand and I will respect that, but please don't take it out on me."
      Spencer looks up at me finally and I see tears in his eyes. I immediately drop the defensive act and go to hold him. He's sitting on the barstool and I'm standing next to him as I hold him tight, tucking his head into my neck and running my fingers through his hair and my other hand down his back. He doesn't let out full sobs, but I hear the sniffles and I feel the tears wetting the t shirt on my shoulder. He says without moving "Strauss forced JJ to take a promotion at the Pentagon." I nod and just decide to pretend that I didn't already know this piece of information.
      I ask "why was JJ forced to take a promotion?" Spencer shakes his head slightly and tells me "Strauss said it looked bad on her and the team if JJ denied it. I don't understand it. JJ has been there with us since I started at the BAU." I nod my head and hum my acknowledgment of the statement. I then say "baby, I know this is so tough for you to face this change. You'll still be able to see her outside of work. Her house is still just twenty minutes away."
      Spencer nods "I..I know that. That's not why I've been so upset." I gently pull back to look him in the eye as I didn't expect that statement. I ask him "oh? Then what has you so upset, Spence?" He shakes his head and looks down, he hesitates before saying "my first initial reaction to JJ leaving the BAU was that I wanted to get a fix of Dilaudid. I didn't think that I needed to talk to you or Morgan or JJ or anybody. In that moment when I was upset my mind and body both immediately wanted to turn to drugs to relieve the emotions I was feeling. I was just so embarrassed and ashamed of that."
      I nod my head and gently lift his head up by his chin to look in my eyes. I gently wipe his tears with my thumbs and say "Spencer, you know just as well as I do that you can be clean and off drugs for decades and still have cravings. There's no reason to be ashamed of it, especially not with me. When I told you I would be here for you if you were craving or even if you relapsed, I meant it." He maintains eye contact until I quit talking. He sniffles and nods in acknowledgment. I ask him "baby, please be honest with me, did you relapse?"
     Spencer looks up at me, slightly shocked and says "no, I didn't, I was just really tempted." I nod my head and say "okay, then this will be a lot easier." He nods and says "I am afraid of what would've happened if you didn't take off of work today. I'm afraid I would've ended up relapsing if you weren't here." I nod and say "I understand. There's no shame in it. Addiction isn't a choice, it's a disease. Please just talk to me when you feel like this. I know you don't want to relapse and I don't want you to relapse either. I will never be angry at you for craving it, especially when something big happens. Just please talk to me and we will figure it out together." He nods and he starts to tear up again.
      I pull Spencer into my embrace again and say "I love you, Spencer. I love you so much it scares me." He sniffles and laughs slightly before saying "it scares me how much you love me, too." I scoff and pull away as Spencer chuckles at his joke. As I start to fully pull away from him he grabs my hand and pulls me in for another hug and says "I love you, too, Annie." I hold him tight for a few seconds longer and kiss him on the cheek when I pull back. I smile at him and ask "why don't we have a Harry Potter marathon today and just be lazy all day long?" He smiles, finally, and nods "I'd really like that."