Finding Home || bxb

26

"And, yeah, one day he texted me that things between us had to end and he blocked me on everything. I tried going to his flat, but it was one of those buildings you couldn't get into unless they buzzed you in. So yeah, I just suddenly couldn't talk to him at all. I kind of went down a downward spiral, up until about ten months ago, after that. It felt like I had to mourn him like I did with my parents because I thought he was the only other person to ever love me and then that just suddenly stopped."

I still remember how happy he used to make me feel, but when I thought about it now, it was coupled with a side of hurt because what he'd done to me had been so wrong. So, it was just weird thinking about it now. It all just felt so confusing.

Roman was silent, even after I'd finished, and it made me scared about what he was thinking. What if he maybe thought it was my fault because I kept letting it happen.

"He deserves to rot," he mumbled.

"What?"

"You heard me. I don't care what he might have gone through with his mum or whatever. I get upset about shit too, but that doesn't make any part of me want to fuck a kid. Tell me his name."

My mouth gaped in shock. "Wha...no. It doesn't matter."

"It matters. You matter. Your pain matters. His doesn't. He stopped mattering the second he decided to seek comfort in someone underage and vulnerable. I want to bash his skull in."

"Don't do that," I urged.

"I want to. I want him to hurt. He can't do that to you and just get away with it!"

"He's dead Roman. He's gone. So, it doesn't matter."

"What?"

I sighed. "His brother was my roommate remember, my friend. A few months after he moved in with his mum again, he messaged me. Said he knew that I would want to know cos we used to all hang out together n stuff. Told me they found his body in this river..."

So weird for me to think about. I couldn't help but still feel bad for him. He must have had such a sad life. Did that mean he could do what he did to me? No. I knew that now, even if I didn't understand it back then. Instead, when I'd learnt he was gone, I felt like it was my fault for not trying harder or something. For making him feel like I didn't appreciate him all those times and making him feel depressed. I don't know. There's still such a weird guilt there. A juxtaposition of knowing it wasn't my fault and still feeling like it was. Even now, I felt this way.

"Good."

"Roman!" I said shocked.

"What? Am I meant to feel bad? I don't. I'm glad he's gone. He can't hurt anyone else."

"You're scary sometimes."

"I just... don't like people I care about getting hurt."

"You care about me then?"

"Is it not obvious?" he asked before kissing the tip of my nose.

"I care about you too."

And I did care about Roman. Just hopefully, hopefully things can actually turn out good with him, because I probably convinced myself that I cared about every guy I was with.

"I'm glad and I'm sorry. I'm just angry. Were you upset when you found out?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I mean yeah, at the time. Still kind of am. But like I kind of distracted myself with stuff and I'd already experienced loss and there were a few others I knew from care that committed or attempted the same thing. Over time it's just...I started to feel numb to it."

When Roman hugged me close against his chest everything felt warm. I say I felt numb because it was the only way I could explain it, but the feeling wasn't numbness exactly. It's like, on the outside I can't feel it as much, but there's so much pain inside and I feel that sadness every single day but no matter how hard I could try, I'd never be able to show all that emotion on the outside. There are no words or actions that could accurately encapsulate the grief and the sadness and the feeling of wanting so much more than all of the bullshit that I was given. So, externally I just exist in a state of numbness and sometimes the emotions are able to trickle out through cracks in the form of tears but every tear may as well come from the ocean; only able to exhibit the tiniest fraction of every sensation inside my head, so small that if you were to drop it back in the ocean you'd never be able to find where it began or where it ended.

"I want you to tell me if you ever feel like that," Roman said. "Please."

"Okay," I said quietly.

I'll admit there were many times where I thought about it, but I didn't know if I was capable of such a thing myself. Whether that was cowardice or courage, I did not know.

~~~~~~~~~

Poor Alden, but isn't it nice how protective of Alden Roman is being?