Finding Home || bxb

26

"Roman," I sighed.

"Sorry. I just... I don't mean to take away from your experience, but I wish it never happened. What's his name? How'd it even happen? How did you know him?" I think Roman squeezed me tighter as if he was afraid to let me go.

"I'm not going to tell you his name."

"But..."

"No. It doesn't matter anymore. But well, I knew him because he used to be in care too, but he aged out. His younger brother was still at the home though, so he would come and visit him. I don't know if he noticed me before or not, but his brother was my roommate and friend for a little while, and he just kinda started talking to me when he was hanging out with his brother. Would ask if I wanted to join them 'n stuff when they'd play video games in the... it was like a games room we had at the home. One day he asked for my number, said it was so he could ask me to check up on his brother if he was worried about him or anything."

I still remember giving him my number. At that point I had a massive crush on him and was excited that maybe we could talk more, even if it was just about his brother. I thought if it began like that, I could eventually steer the conversation in other directions, and he would just want to talk to me because he thought I was interesting or something. Well, that did happen like I wanted, but be should have known better than to not engage my silly crush, which I was certain he'd picked up on by that point.

"So, you guys started talking?" Roman asked urging me to continue.

I hid my face in the crook of his neck so I could be comfortable when I continued my story. "Yeah. He had a job and this tiny one bed flat, it was more of a studio really, and after we'd been talking for a while, he convinced me to sneak out and meet him. We were just hanging out and then he kissed me and...and like touched me up and I got excited cos it was the first guy I'd kissed, and I liked him so much, like so much, because he was always so nice to me. When he saw exactly how excited I was getting he like went down on me and he...he didn't like make me go down on him but I guess he said some stuff that made me feel a little guilty that I hadn't made him feel good too so then I offered to go down on him." Fuck, he was totally manipulating me when he made me feel guilty, I now realised as I talked about it properly for the first time. I'd told Dahlia about it, but I'd felt too awkward to give her the details so I kind of just told her a very abbreviated story. She was the only other person that I'd told and the first person to start to make me realise that what he'd done to me was not right.

I asked Roman if he thought that guy was manipulating me as well when he said stuff to me to make me feel guilty. Roman confirmed that he did think so as well. "Fuck. I'm so stupid."

"Hey," Roman said moving my head so I was facing him. I couldn't look him in the eyes though, so he had to lift my chin up with two fingers to make me look him in the eyes. "How can you be the stupid one? This is all on him okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You were too young to understand."

I shrugged still feeling bad about myself. "Okay. Anyway, I basically started meeting up with him a lot. We never went all the way yet, but he was always really nice to me. He made me feel kind of...special, so by the time we did have sex, it was me that offered. I told him I wanted him to be my first and he kept checking if I was sure and how much that would mean to him. He really made me feel like it was my choice you know. And he was, yeah like I said he was gentle with me. Kept making sure I was okay and not hurting and seeing if it felt good. I was so happy after the first time. It was kind of the first time I'd really felt happy after my parents...

"Anyway, this carried on for like a couple months. I'd meet him like 2 or 3 times a week. We'd play video games at his flat, just us two, he'd cook me dinner, and then when it got kind of late, he'd fuck me. He kind of, he actually started to get a little rougher after a while. I wasn't really that into it the first few times, but it made him feel good, so I was happy and then I don't know I started to like it more. And then, basically his brother got out of the system because his mum came back for him, they had different dads, and he kind of got angrier about everything. He got rougher in bed and if I did anything to make him feel like I didn't appreciate him he'd get all depressed. I think he was upset that his mum had come back for his brother when she'd never come back for him.