When the Rain Never Stops

Chapter 8

Lee

I was shocked to see that Sarah didn't respond to my message. I pulled up to her house and rang the doorbell, not wanting to walk in unannounced. I heard no footsteps on the other side of the door. That's when I tried the handle and found it was unlocked. I walked in with a growing pit in my stomach. I felt nervous, nauseous almost. Something was wrong, I could feel it. "Sarah," I called out. There was no response.

I walked upstairs to find the door to her room shut. I knocked on the door thinking perhaps she had fallen asleep. Again no response, I opened the door and walked in. She was laying there on her bed, not moving and I saw no movement of her chest. "Sarah?" I called once more as I walked quickly towards her bed. I was hoping this was some prank, some stupid sick prank. But as soon as I saw three pages with writing on them, I knew it was so much worse. I rushed towards her bed and shook her. "No, no, no," I said as I fumbled with my phone. I pressed the buttons 911 and called for help.

My voice was so shaky on the phone. They told me they would be there as soon as possible. I shook Sarah more violently. I still had hope that she was just in a very deep sleep. I began to cry. Out of sadness, out of fear, and out of anger. I was mad. How could she do this and not tell me. Why didn't you stay? I asked myself. I grabbed the papers beside her and began to read them. My hand covered my mouth as I read on and on. I went back to shaking her, adding in hitting. I needed her to wake up. But she didn't. The paramedics came in and wheeled her off as I watched. I got into the ambulance and called her mother. Her mother broke down on the phone. I didn't have her dad's number so next I called Winnie. I heard a muffled cry and then the phone call ended.

We arrived at the hospital and Winnie and Sarah's mom were already there waiting. They rushed in alongside Sarah on the stretcher. They kicked us out of the room and so we were forced to watch from the hallway as they worked, trying to save Sarah. Finally, we saw her heart begin to beat. I've never felt so relieved. I do not believe in god but at that time, I thanked him with all of my heart. Her heart beat slowly grew faster and finally it was at a normal pace. She woke for no more than a minute before going to sleep.

The nurses, doctors, and other hospital staff walked out of the room wiping sweat and tears from their eyes. We all shuffled into the room and huddled around Sarah. She seemed so peaceful. So at rest. We all just stared. She was better. She was getting better. How could this have happened? I asked myself. I'm sure similar things were running through everyone else's mind. I knew her dad cheating on her mom was a huge blow but I didn't think it was this big. I thought back to her letter. I patted my pocket and remembered I had taken them with me. I pulled them out and began to read them from the beginning.

"Dear everyone,

I'm sorry to whoever had to find me. This was never my intention. It's all too much. Constant torment from my own mind. The very thing that's controlling my whole body is killing me at the same time. I wish things weren't the way they are. I don't want to do this. I don't want to die. I just want it to stop. It's strange, when I would think about overdosing in the past, I never thought about dying. It's not the release of death I wish for. I just want to take a break. I know not to run from my problems but that's what I want to do. I want to just take a long nap. Hibernate. But there is no such thing as a three month long nap and even if there was, my problems would still be there waiting for me when I woke up. But death is permanent. I will not have to face my problems and I can finally find freedom beyond this life.

I'd like to apologize to each of you. Lee, I'm sorry. We have been friends for almost as long as I can remember. I never ever imagined us splitting ways and certainly not like this. This is not your fault. Don't you dare blame yourself for this. This is my doing, my choice. You have always been kind to me. You've made me laugh so many times, you have always been there to pick up the pieces after I had a bad day. For every bad haircut I got, you were there to help me fix it or at least hide it. You helped me take care of my hair, as much of a mess as it is. I'll miss your smile. Although you often complain about it, I'll miss it. And even though I am ending things now, I would live this life over and over again, I'd go through all of this pain if it meant that we still got to be best friends for the time we had together. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to graduation. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to be the maid of honor at your wedding like we talked about as kids. And I'm sorry for the pain I know this will bring you. One of the most common things I've heard when trying to be convinced to stay is 'You'll only pass your pain onto others' I know there is truth to this and for that, I am sorry. You eased the pain, even those months after the crash, you made things so much better. I kept going for you. But now I must do this. I am so sorry to bring you so much pain with my death but please find comfort knowing that I am finally at peace.