When the Rain Never Stops

Chapter 5

I watched as she went back and forth between emotions. She couldn't decide between joy and gloom. Eventually, I watched her combine the two. She sat down with her hands covering her face and I could hear muffled sobs. I reached over to rub her back but she moved away from my hand. "It's okay," I said, trying to comfort her.

She only cried harder. The truth was, it wasn't okay. She had almost died and now her attacker is dead. I knew she was just finally starting to realize everything and it was all sinking in. Still, I felt helpless, I just didn't know what to say or what to do. "Is it my fault? Sarah, is it my fault?" Winnie asked, looking up at me.

"No, no this wasn't your fault. Had your stepmother not shot him, he would have shot you. There was no other option. And had it not been you, he could've hurt someone else. He could've killed someone else. Now, he will never ever get that opportunity," I told her.

"Thanks, I guess you're right. No one else has to get hurt now," she said as she wiped her nose, "thanks for coming and getting me. It means a lot that you came and got me."

I lurched forward and kissed her. I don't know what went through my mind. But I kissed her. She returned the kiss for a second before pushing me away. She got up when she pulled away. "What the heck?!" she asked angrily.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," I put a hand to my forehead. I was starting to think of the consequences.

"I can't believe this. Josh just died. And it's not even like I've been mourning for months or anything, he literally just died an hour ago. And you're already kissing me?! Had it been some other time, maybe I would've kissed back. But now, that's just wrong," she lectured. I felt like I was getting lectured by my Dad again. I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. "You know what, just take me home," she said.

The ride to Winnie's house was silent. We both sat there, leaning as far away from each other as possible. Anger and sadness filled the air. I couldn't distinguish the two, I was angry at myself, and sad that I had allow myself to do something so stupid. And Winnie, well she was obviously angry that I kissed her in the middle of her new found grief, and sad because her abusive boyfriend had just been killed by her stepmother. We arrived at her house and she got out without a word. She shut the car door and ran inside without turning back. She walked quickly, shuffling her feet, but then broke into a run eager to get to the door.

I let out a sigh and lowered my head to the steering wheel. I looked back up to look at the road and backed out of her driveway. I disregarded my fear of driving and sped back home, tears streaming down my face. I sobbed, at certain times the sobs warped into small screams. I came to the three way stop before my house and decided to not go home. I took a left and drove to the walmart that I enjoyed going to as a child. I parked my car in the empty parking lot and turned up the radio, it was loud but not loud enough to drown out my sobbing. I knew what I had done was wrong but I hoped to a god that may or may not exist that Winnie would forgive me.

I don't know why I kissed her. I've never felt such ways about a girl. I've never looked at another girl and realized I wanted something more than friendship. But with Winnie, I can't help but feel that way. She's so pretty and she's funny, when I'm with her my worries disappear. Perhaps, I shouldn't feel this way towards the sister of the girl who's death I witnessed but I can't help it. Her smile, the way her lips are always slightly chapped because she can't be bothered to throw some chapstick on before bed. The way her eyes sparkle when she talks about the things she loves. The way her laugh turns into a cackle when someone tells a good joke. I'm realizing that I think I've always felt this way towards Winnie. I don't think I've stopped loving her since sixth grade. I'm sure it's not love but it's something.

I began to calm down or at least the flow of my tears slowed. I drove home and headed to bed. I walked into my room to see a bracelet of Winnie's lying next to my bed. I held the bracelet tight in my hand, fearing it might leave me, and fell asleep to the sound of rain hitting the room above me.

A week passed, Winnie sat on the other side of Will at lunch, obviously trying to keep her distance from me. I made no effort to talk to her because I knew she wanted nothing more than to not speak to me. I thought about the dance often and now more than ever with it being in two days. We had decided to go together but now I didn't know if any of us would go at all. I felt bad, I could be the downfall of this friend group.

Lee insisted on us going to homecoming. I didn't know if Winnie was going but I hoped she was. I knew she didn't want to speak to me but I was going to make some sort of effort to beg for forgiveness. Even if Winnie doesn't return the feelings, I just need her to know I care for her. Apart from her total disappointment in me and my character, she seemed to be alright. She didn't seem upset at school, I'd see her laughing with Lee at lunch. Or she'd be smiling as she walked through the halls, maybe it was nothing more than a mask to hide the grief but I hoped she was okay.

Lee and I hung out after school most days, this week being no different. We'd hang at my house for a while and then she'd leave for work. I'd then sit by myself and think about what I'd done.

I'm starting to see life as a cycle. Things go well so quickly but they go bad just as fast. I think life is one big road trip and the destination we're all trying to reach, is death. They say that it is not the destination that matters, but the journey and I think that applies to life most of all. It's hard to think that this hardship I currently have is one of many that I'll have in my lifetime. It makes you think that it truly never stops. Problems will always be there. When you find a solution to one, another one comes rolling in to fill its place. And if you think for a second that this cycle will be broken, then disappointment awaits you. I finally got over Stacy's death, and now I'm crying over her sister.

I laid in bed thinking for hours. I felt so sick about the whole thing. It was this constant pit in my stomach. Finally around eleven, I grabbed my keys, hollered I was going out, and set out into the night to apologize to Winnie. I drove quickly, I wanted to try to win her back. As I pulled into the driveway of her house, I started to second guess myself. "What if she just ushers me off the lot?" I began to think. I mustered up all the courage I had, and pushed the doubts to the back of my mind. If she chose to not forgive me, that's understandable but at least I tried. I walked up to the door and heard footsteps on the other side. I raised my hand to knock but the door was ripped open and there was Winnie. We stopped and stared at each other for a second. "I'm sorry-" I began to say but I was silenced by Winnie's finger. I thought she was going to send me on my way. Instead, she swept forward, wrapping her arm around my waist and pulled me into a kiss. We stood there, barely protected from the rain by the roof over Winnie's porch, and shared a kiss.