Head in The Clouds

You Are Not Worthless

Tw: suicide attempt
Vanessa age 18 October
I am in the school cafeteria, in my own world, when Nina walks up to me.
"Hey Chica. Are you okay?"
I jump a little and she laughs.
"Yeah, fine?"
"Where were you? I walked up, and you had a million mile stare."
"Oh, just my head in the clouds daydreaming. How are you?"
"Great, I got a letter from Stanford yesterday."
"Oh really, and?"
"I have a full ride scholarship waiting for me. I am going to California in the fall!"
I jump up and hug her. "Nina, I am so happy for you."
"Thanks. Mom and Dad are beyond excited. They say I will do so much better than them. I will go further."
"You are really going to California, that is pretty far."
"Yeah," she laughs. "The whole thing makes me a little nervous. I don't want to disappoint them. I can't imagine disappointing my parents."
"Yeah... wouldn't want to do that."
For me, all I feel like I do is disappoint my moms lately. Since June, they have been in my room, walking me up after a nightmare several times a week. Right now, my grades are barely above a c. I am disappointing Usnavi, because I am either studying or at work. I get, if I am lucky, two nights a week to go out. He says it is fine, but I feel like a terrible girlfriend. I am a terrible girlfriend, daughter, and friend. I hate my life.

Daniela Vanessa age 18 October
Carla and I have been so worried about Vanessa lately. She has been down, and not like herself. She is having nightmares almost nightly. She barely eats when we eat as a family. She spends all her extra time studying, and gets very little sleep. I've talked to Camilla, to ask for advise, but she doesn't know either. She has given me some councilors to contact.
Today, after work, Carla and I are walking home, holding hands, and talking.
"I talked to Camilla today. I think we need to convince Vanessa to go to therapy."
"Dani, she is not going to like that."
"I know, but I am worried about her. She has been so down lately. She is having nightmares again. I am worried she is in a really dark place."
"We can at least try, but I don't think she is going to go for it."
I feel a tear roll down my face. Carla stops me. "She will be fine Dani."
"I know. I just hate seeing her hurt so much. I want to take her pain and make it mine, so she doesn't have to feel it."
"Well, that wouldn't help. Then you couldn't be the amazing mama you need to be. She may be eighteen, but she still needs her mom. Both of us."
She kisses me and takes my hand. "Let's go home and talk to her."
We walk inside, and instantly, I have a bad feeling about something. Carla starts to plan out dinner, as I go into the living room, where she usually is.
"Vanessa, honey, we are home." I call out. Normally, she acknowledges us or comes out to greet us. Today, there is no response. She is not in the living room. I see she is home. Her shoes are by the door and her keys are on the table. I walk back to her room.
"Vanessa, sweetheart, are you in here?"
I open her door, and stop dead in my tracks.
"VANESSA!"
She is on her bed, blood poring from both wrist. She is white as a sheet. I run to her, and take her wrists in my hands and squeeze tight.
"Daniela, what is wrong?"
"CALL 911 Now!"
She walks in and sees what I am doing. When she sees us, she runs for her phone. I take a sock near her bed, and tie it as tight as I can around her wrist. I frantically search the room to bandage her other wrist. I remember the scarf I am wearing, and use that. When I get both tied off, I realize she is not breathing. Remembering some first aid classes I have taken in the past, I start CPR.
"Vanessa, don't you do this to your Mamí and I. You stay with us! Do you hear me? You stay here!"
"Dani, 911 is on their way. What happened?" Carla says, crying.
"I don't know. I walked in and found her."
"Mija, come back to your Mama and I. We need you to come back to us." Carla takes her hands and kisses her wrists, holding the one near her tight in her hands.
Suddenly, I hear a wheeze and a cough.
"That's it honey. You come back to us." I say, rubbing her chest she finally opens her eyes.  Carla cries in relief and kisses her head.
"Mamí? She croaks.
"Shh, don't speak. An ambulance is on their way. Just stay with us." Carla says, holding Vanessa's face in one hand and her wrist in the other.
"Leave me alone. I'm better off dead. Please let me die."
I hear pounding at the door, and run to open it. The paramedics rush in and start tending to her. They wrap her wrists better and we follow as they take her to the ambulance.
Once at the hospital, they tell us to wait in the waiting room while they help her. Carla clings to me, crying.
"Why would she do this. I know she has hand a rough time lately, but I don't understand what brought her to this point."
I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head, tears falling down my own face.
"I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. Had I even had a clue she was this bad, I would have never left her alone."
Guilt and fear fills my body. I cling to Carla, shaking.

Half an hour later, a doctor finally comes out.
"I am looking for the family of Vanessa Ortega."
"That is us," Carla and I say jumping up.
"Both of you?"
"Yeah, we are both her moms."
"Okay, well, we were able to stop the bleeding. She lost a lot of blood, but is stable. She is in the process of a blood transfusion now."
"Can we see her please?"
"Yes. I will take her to you."
We are taken to the ER bed she is in. She is still so pale.
"Vanessa, honey, we are here. Mamí and I are here," I say, kissing her head.
"Mama? Mamí? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, let me die. I am worthless. Just let me die."
She starts to tear at the bandages, causing her to bleed again.
"Vanessa, stop. Mija, stop!" Carla says crying panicked.
"Help!" I scream.
Carla and I both hold a hand down. A nurse and doctor come to help. They give her a shot and she soon calms down. They rewrap her wrist and put her in restraints. They tell us she will be transferred psych soon. We thank them and sit with Vanessa.
"You are not worthless honey. You are so precious. More precious than you could possibly know. I am sorry we didn't tell you that more." I tell her, holding her hand.
Carla kisses Vanessa on the head, and holds her hand crying. Both of us are too stunned to say anything. We just sit there, holding Vanessa's hands.