Night - Dec. 31, 2021
I found an experience akin to passing out. We were at this hotel in South Carolina, and I decided to take a bath after my shower. I turned Damien/William by Sapph on Spotify, filled the tub with about 3 inches of warm water, and turned the light off.
It was pitch black. Closing and opening my eyes had no effect. Eventually, I felt the swelling in my head and a low, soft thrumming in my ears. I could still vaguely hear the music, but I just began...floating. I didn't feel anything, but I wanted to stay in the warm water and be nothing for a little bit. However, there was this nagging fear that I would fall asleep in the bath. (it was like 1 or 2 in the morning, lol)
Hence why this experiment was akin to me passing out. I think I figured out why I was so scared. When I was unconscious, I was outside my body, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, and yet I liked it. It felt like my very soul was being wrapped in a cool, silken embrace.
However, the more I thought of staying, the more fearful I became. What if I don't come back? What if my friend watched me fall into a month-long coma and blame herself? What if my mom found me on the bathroom floor with my head bleeding? What if I never woke up from the bath?
I might enjoy it, sure. To finally be at peace. But the more I think about it, the more ashamed and disgusted of my selfish actions I become. I could never, and I will never do something like that. I have to keep fighting. I have to. I will.
To distract myself from these selfish and disturbing thoughts, I have started creating again. I didn't have a lot of inspiration, I still don't. But I am trying to keep going. It is going well.
Another thing I have been doing is watching Markiplier. Particularly the Hearts and Heroes series, WKM?, Pain, Respect, and some of the more emotional vlogs. Seeing this man create and cultivate his passion for creation is so inspiring. He loves what he does, and it inspires me to work hard so that I can achieve my goals too.
Yeh. 😊
A/n idk what to do with this, I may delete it later. It was more of an experiment than anything. 😅
YOU ARE READING
January Journal - Coming to Terms with Oneself
RandomJust a random thought that I wanted to post as an experiment. I promise I will write more serious stuff later! There is a possible trigger warning for dark thoughts and loss of hope. Have a beautiful day, fellow doodles and noodles! Stay safe!
