Romeo and Romeo

My Sweet Release

A/n- if you thought last chapter was a rollercoaster, then I'm so sorry about this one, I'll add another TW here because Marcus is going through some shit.

It's been a week since I killed him. I killed him. I don't feel bad about it, which just makes me feel bad about myself. I understand that if I didn't do what I did he would've killed Romeo and then probably me too. But that doesn't change how relieved I felt when that knife sunk into his chest. It doesn't change how it felt natural to watch the life flow out of him through the wounds. That scared me, I haven't seen Romeo since we went our separate ways after Abby's house. I don't think I can face him, he saw me. He saw my face when I killed my father, he had to have seen the relief that washed over my body when my fathers legs stopped moving and his screams stopped. He's tried to call me a dozen times but I've had Vesper answer every time. Vesper just gave him excuses like "oh he's in the shower" or "he's sleeping" and over dumb shit that I know Romeo wasn't buying. But Romeo never pushed after the excuse, never demanded to talk to me. Probably because he was scared too, scared of me. Vesper was scared of me, but not like that. I think Vespers more scared of what I'm doing to myself.
He hasn't let me out of his sight, even when we're doing lines and he's smoking crack, his eyes never left me. I think he feels like if he loses sight of me I'll disappear forever. Lola stopped by a couple of times, she would hug me, hold me, tell me I'm okay and it's not my fault. These are all blatant lies, I am not okay, and it was my fault. I killed him. But after she comes to the conclusion that I'm not dead or suicidal, she leaves again, off to Abby's house where she's been staying.
Today I've gone through more lines than I could count, and it's the first time vespers left the house. Leaving me alone. I haven't stopped, taken a break, or enjoyed my high at all. I finish one line and just pour out another. No matter how many I've done I still haven't been able to numb this fear? Pain? Sadness? Grief? Fuck I don't even know what I feel. Isn't that fucking funny, since the beginning I've never understood how I felt. I haven't been able to pinpoint an emotion of mine since my mothers death. That's a lie, when I was with Romeo I could. Happiness, contentment, horniness, love. But those were all ripped away from me by my fathers cold dead hands. I haven't felt any of them.
Now that's some fucking irony, my mothers death took those same emotions from me, and as soon as I got them back, my fathers death did the same fucking thing. God I'm pathetic it's my fault he died but I'm acting like the fucking victim.
This brings me back to the lines. I haven't stopped and I've already gone through a whole bag, I get out another and do it all again, and again, and again. By the time I notice I've overdone it I'm on the ground. My heart feels like it's going to rip through my rips and fly out of my chest. I'm laying on Vespers nasty ass carpet but I feel like I'm running a marathon. My breaths come in, short and ragged, almost the same as my fathers before they left him. The same as Romeos when he's near his climax. My mind spirals to old memories.
Holding hands under the tables in class. Little glances back and forth. Car windows covered in steam from hot bodies moving inside. A trip to the park. Being pushed on the swings by big strong hands. Stupid puppy dog smiles that made me feel like a king. Brown eyes looking deeply into my blue ones. Brown eyes heavy with pleasure. Cigarettes out of my window. Stolen kisses when I dropped him off at home. Hands trailing every inch of my body like I'm a treasure to be explored. Light punches to my shoulder when I said stupid shit. That sad face he gets that makes my stomach twist like I need to throw up. Sobbing in bathroom stalls while he apologizes on the other side of the door. Why did he apologize? I can't seem to remember that? Why can't I remember that?
I never told him I loved him. I love him. I was too scared, too scared that it would be too intense. That to him I'm just a fling and if I say I love him he would run the other direction.
But I do, for the first time, I've fallen completely and deeply in love.
And then my eyes shut. I hear screaming as a door opens. That familiar sharp tone.
"MARCUS WHAT THE FUCK"
"CHRIS GET THE FUCKING NARCAN"
It's way too late for narcan babe. Way too late.
I let myself go into the heavy feeling, like waves taking me out to sea, it doesn't feel like drowning so much as floating on top of the water. Every now and then my head bobs under and I get a mouthful of the salty water, I vomit it up and go back to floating, peaceful. This is it, the end, the end of all of my pain, of all of my suffering, an end to my beatings and conflicted emotions. I can finally sleep. And so I do I fall into a sleep that I'll never wake from.

A/n- a short chapter because I don't think I can write any more, the tears are making it a little hard to see the screen sorry guys :,(