The Outsider

Chapter Four - Self Worth

Nothing was ever glamorous about death; I knew that. I had no reason to believe otherwise as Paul stared at me with lifeless eyes. No matter how hard I tried, his blood wouldn't come off my hands. I thought those prying neighbors would leave me alone after watching me for so long, but apparently, they had some words of wisdom.

"You should be glad."

"You always felt jealous of him."

"He had everything you didn't."

As much as I don't want to admit it, they weren't wrong. I knew I was selfish for thinking about my family, for severing him as an afterthought. He had his own family and demons to take care of, yet here I am in his place. It made my stomach churn, but not as much as the old man cackling in the conductor's room.

"So, how does it feel to be one of us, Mr. Kita?" The old man gloats, rattling the entire cabin. "Admit it. You would have gotten him killed in the line of duty, regardless of what happened right now. You've never protected anything other than your family, but you know how that went."

"Shut the hell up!" I snap, flinging Paul's gun at the door's glass pane with as much strength as I could muster, which I almost regret since it came straight back to me. "I did as you asked, so give me back my family!"

I couldn't even look inside the cabin. Aside from the blood staining the glass scarlet, it was too dark to make out anything other than the blinking of the control panel. Moving Paul's body out of the way and forcing my way in wouldn't be a challenge, but part of me doesn't want to try. That fish-like stare in his eyes makes me think he'll lunge at me at any moment.

"Now, now... Not so fast, Mr. Kita. You still have more to do." He says. "Nobody said rent is that cheap."

"But, she said-" I try to plea, but get immediately cut off.

"No such thing!" He snaps, lulling the neighbors into silence. "You need to remember the finer details in life and learn to follow orders. Something you failed to do when she handed you the book."

"So, it's my fault that she strung me up without handing me the book?" I sneer, trying to fight back the urge to throw caution to the wind and force my way inside. "Is everything I've done up until now have been for nothing?"

It felt like I had to force out those last words as the bullet hole in my shoulder throbs. I needed just a bit of confirmation that the proud echoes of my family had a foundation, anything to prove that I had worth. I didn't want to be stuck in this endless loop of torment any longer.

"Hardly," he sighs. "The... community service you've done has been a tremendous help, don't get me wrong here. But, you must realize that nothing in life is free. To breathe life into your family, a sacrifice must be made."

"I assume you're referring to Paul?" I gulp, his words calming me down a bit as I run my hands along my arms in a feeble attempt to quell the goosebumps.

"Not just Paul, but the custodian as well." He chuckles. "So, tell me, where does that leave your contract?"

"Just... one. Just one more person." I choke as soft realization settles in.

Trading off Paul might have been steep, yet there was still a chance to make amends. My brother had a pure heart, so in a sense, it'd be a fresh start. The custodian was a murderer and would have committed other atrocities if I hadn't stepped in. My parents weren't always perfect; nevertheless, they were miles above him in every shape and form.

"That look on your face suits you better. Dwelling too much on past relations fogs your mind." He says. "Now, go. Turn back the clock and head back. The librarian is waiting in the previous cabin."