tw// intrusive thoughts (including those of suicide)
It was a normal day out. Sunny. 58 degrees fahrenheight. Lilith cursed herself for being inside on a day like this. But she couldn't get up. Nevermind if she wanted to, or would like to, she just couldn't. She had her college work sprawled out in front of her, only partly done, but she was mindlessly scrolling on her computer. Anything else, her brain said, anything else but the work that needed to be done.
Messages buzzed from her phone, though not any of them for her directly. She picked up her phone, looking at the texts with a dull stare. Turning her phone on do not disturb, she put it down next to her work.
You put yourself here, you know that, right? You have only yourself to blame.
Lilith nodded to herself, acknowledging the thought. It would be so easy to just stay where she put herself, in this nice cozy little hole she dug herself. It was comfortable, as much as she hated it. It was far from healthy and far from what her friends would want her to do, but it was the only option that she could make sense of and think fully through.
Not much would change if you just disappeared.
She tapped her mouse, clicking on a YouTube link. Not much would change, though that was an understatement. A lot of things would change. For instance, her boyfriend would wonder where she was. He loved her, very dearly. She loved him too; she didn't want to just leave him. In fact, she didn't think she could bring herself to leave him. Her friends, well, they would move on. They were all more than capable of faring well without her, so she didn't dwell too much on it. Her family, that was something she didn't think she could think out fully. She guessed she would never leave them either, they were her family of course.
It was all thought out.
What if you died?
That was another story she didn't like to think about.
What if you died?
No.
What if-
Lilith slammed her computer shut, wincing at the noise it made.
"Better get working," she said to no one in particular. The only response was the click, click, clicking of the clock on the shelf. All was quiet.
You could die right now and nobody would know. You could just disappear and you would be happy, don't you get it? You could finally rest and not have to do all this work and not have to worry. You could be free.
It was appealing, but like all the other thoughts, too good to be true. Her actions came with consequences, as they always did, and she would not them happen. The cost was worth more than the opportunity.
Even if she did have an easy way out sitting in her kitchen cabinet.
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If you are seriously considering suicide (as in you have a plan or plan to harm yourself in any way), please talk to a professional. You will be okay.
- Clover.
