this is not the end ~~ ziam + larry

chapter eleven

louis' pov

the next dayn is a living hell. i have literally no one to talk to. liam, for obvious reasons. zayn, is on liams side for obvious reasons. niall, he is on harrys side for obvious reasons. and i am a dumbass, for obvious reasons.

i obviously never wanted to get mad at liam, and even less break up with harry. fuck, i broke up with him. we're over. he doesn't even look at me. i've destroyed everything. all i'm doing all day every day is just lay in bed and feel nothing. i don't cry, i don't even feel sad. i'm just empty. niall actually comes with food three times because he's niall. 

i go to the toilet too but i never make eye contact with anyone. during the show that night i put on a fake smile and pretend to be friends with the others but i'm not. liam and i don't have a waterfight and i don't have any laughs with niall. i'm not extra touchy with zayn and i don't share special eye contact with harry every once in a while. i just sing like a machine and afterwards i dissapear the first thing i do.

i do listen to some music, mostly taylor swift, even though it reminds me of harry so much it hurts. hell, every fucking thing in the bus reminds me of him. his smell is everywhere and memories with with him are everywhere. ( a very good breakup playlist is linked in the authors note )

so yeah. life is shitty.

i do have some time to write stuff though and i think i come up with some good lyrics but i don't have anyone to show them to to get feedback. 'cause again, everybody hates me.

***

"louis?" i hear a voice say from outside my curtain first thing the next morning.

strange, no one has talked to me at all. i do hear who it is though.

"what is it liam?" i ask him bitterly.

"we really need to talk. right now." he opens the curtain and i look at him.

he looks sad for real.

"about what?" i say just to be a bitch.

i don't know why i am a bitch, i know i need to fix everything and i know damn well what he wants to talk about.

"you know what i want to talk about."

"yeah. i do." i sigh and gestures for him to get in and sit with me.

i turn on the light in the corner of the bunk so that we can see each other.

"louis, i am so truly sorry for ruining everything. zayn said that he wasn't mad about it and that i should apologize so here i am. apoligizing." he says.

"zayn's a smart guy." is all i say, voice emotionless.

"yeah he is." liam smiles, "and i knew you would never apoligize first, you're way to stubborn for that mate."

"yeah, you've got a point there." i actually laugh.

"so, we're friends? or do we just not hate each other anymore?" i ask him.

"i would say we're back to normal. and you really should have a talk with harry, he's real shitty. hasn't done anything but cry, well he held it together on show but otherwhise he's been locked in his bunk crying all day and night." i feel bad.

i really should talk to him but not today. or tomorrow. i need to think about it for a while. i want to talk to him badly, for gods sake i love him so much. but i'm not sure i'm in the right state of mind for that.

after that talk to liam i actually come out of the bunk, just in time for us leaving the parking lot to drive to the stadium we're playing in tonight. zayn smiles at the sight of me which actually makes me feel better. niall notices me but doesn't do much, and i get that. he's always been really close with harry and i wouldn't be surprised if harry didn't want him to talk to me. i get a little smile from him too though because again, he's niall.

"good to see ya' again lewis." zayn greets me with a bro-hug.

"it was so funny i forgot to laugh." is my response, i do have a little smile on my lips though and he definetly sees that.

we sit down in our seats, me, liam and zayn in the tree row and niall and harry behind us. liam is right, harry really doesn't look okay. it doesn't look like he's eaten much in these two days and he's also very pale. the rings around his eyes are so dark and i am actually about to cry from this sight. i was the fucking cause of that.

"as i said, you guys need to talk. i can see that this is affecting you badly." liam says.

"i know liam, i know." i look down and fidget with my fingers, i really can't cry right now.

i'll have to wait until after the show. i look up just in time to see the meaning look zayn and liam shares but i just pretend that i didn't see it.

on our way there we have some great conversations, they aren't about very important subjects but it feels good having someone to talk too.

"i've been listening a lot to taylor swift yesterday. and the last weeks too actually." i take up that subject, i don't know why but music is always something we can talk about.

"you haven't until now? damn lou, you've been missing out." zayn answers.

"i know! her music is truly amazing." i'm surprized.

i did not know that zayn was a secret swiftie.

"zayn has made me listen to some of her and i have to admit that she's good." liam tabs in.

"well i obviously had to. especially speak now, that album is a masterpeice through and through." zayn comments on that.

"well, true but red is better." stubborn as i am i need to defend my opinion.

we spent the whole time getting there arguing about what album is the best and liam just sits there and he seems to have given up.

the show goes amazing, well i guess me and harry aren't completely our selves yet but i'll talk to him. i really will. now that i know how good it feels to have liam and zayn back i need to talk to harry too. we don't work as a band otherwhise and people will notice.

when i lie in bed that night i come up with the best idea. i just have to write a song first, so i do. it takes me the whole night but when the sun rises i have a finished song.

let's fucking do this.

***

w-count: 1.1 k

i'm back guys, finally! i finally have the motivation to write again, it's not the best though. i also think that this fic will be over soon, maybe i'll start on a new one after that who knows.

well, life update i guess? my boyfriend broke up with me, again. and i am very heartbroken to be honest. or at least i was the first week but i feel a little better now. don't worry though, we're on good terms and friends. he was so sweet and really explained why he needed to break up with me so that's good. i do wish we were still together, but he just couldn't and of course i respect that.

most of you can probably relate to using music as therapy and here is my break up playlist to help me cope a little; https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5E3Y9MihJ31jt1xXbj982f

also, go follow my bestie @ilove1dbro and read her stories 'cause she's simply the best.

published: 17/3-22

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xoxo mandi <3