Midday Clouds - The Charlie Swan Story

Chapter 21 (New Moon 10)

"But I handled it. Honey, you're not handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better. I think we both know it's not getting better."

"I'm fine," she said, lying to me, and, I think, to herself as well.

It was now or never. I had to finally bring it up. "Well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional."

"You want me to see a shrink?"

"Maybe it would help." I could already tell from her tone of voice, the hint of an expression on her face, that she was completely opposed to the idea. 

It's a tragic thing; that society sees the use of councillors or therapists as something to be ashamed of. Really, everyone could do with a session or three, but so many people avoid going because of the stigma attached to doing so. It saddened me to see that my daughter held those same convictions.

"And maybe it wouldn't help one little bit," she said.

So I'd actually have to go the Renee route. The thought of Bells leaving broke my heart, but it might be what she needed most. "It's beyond me, Bella. Maybe your Mother-"

"Look," she said, cutting me off. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call Jess or Angela."

"That's not what I want," I said. I knew that she hadn't hung out with the two of them outside of school, let alone anyone else, for months. I didn't want her to do this just to appease me. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try harder. I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch."

"I don't understand, Dad. First you're mad because I'm not doing anything, and then you say you don't want me to go out."

"I want you to be happy – no, not even that much. I just want you not to be miserable. I think you'll have a better chance if you get out of Forks." I'd always dreaded it, but I was beginning to realize that there may have been more of Renee in her than I'd accounted for. Maybe feeling stuck in this rainy town was part of it. Maybe she was only sticking around here – maybe she was staring out that window every damn day – because she was just holding out hope that Edward might one day come back.

"I'm not leaving," she said firmly.

"Why not?"

"I'm in my last semester of school – it would screw everything up."

We both knew what I was getting at, and we were both dancing around it about as gracefully as if we were on an actual dancefloor.

"You're a good student – you'll figure it out."

"I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil."

"Your mother's been dying to have you back."

"Florida is too hot."

As much as I'd have loved for Bella to want to stay here with me in Forks, I couldn't help but hear the words she'd told me a year ago – how she'd echoed her mom's desperate confession that she didn't want to get stuck here. It was clear that she wasn't sticking around for me, and the realization hurt all the more because I knew what she was holding out for.

"We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you. It's been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."

She glared at me, her face turning red. "I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything," she lied.

We had to finally have it out, once and for all. The conversation I'd put off having about Edward, about how dangerous he was, about how toxic their relationship had been. "Bella-"

But she cut me off. "I have to get to school," she said. I checked my watch. It was 7:20 am. Her first class didn't start until 8, and it was a 10 minute drive away.

"I'll make plans with Jessica," she shouted as she fled the house. As she fled from me. "Maybe I won't be home for dinner. We'll go to Port Angeles and watch a movie."

She left me there in the kitchen, and I heard the truck I'd bought her as a welcoming home present roar to life and tear down the road. I had no clue whether to chalk the conversation up to a success or a failure.

On one hand, she'd swiftly turned down seeing Dr. Thompson, but on the other, we'd actually had a full conversation for the first time in months. There was nothing in the "Raising Teenagers" book about this, though I'd read it cover to cover more than once, just in case.

One thing I knew for sure: It was heartbreaking to finally have my daughter back in my life, but at the same time not really have her here at all.

But maybe Jess would be able to do what Harry and Billy had done for me.

Hell, maybe I could be that person for her. I just couldn't give up. I wouldn't. 

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