At first, I wasn't sure what I was feeling but it wasn't normal. I just kept pushing because I felt happy once before in my life so maybe it wasn't permanent. Days past, I felt the emptiness in my stomach. I felt my thoughts bottle up and surround my head. I felt like I was screaming in my own body. Why? I'm not sure. But I felt nothing else but.. pain.
I thought to myself I was better and that I just needed to relax but it wasn't just sadness or any regular feelings, It lasted and never stopped. I became drained, exhausted, miserable, and not myself. The feelings begin to shift but worsened not only for me the skin I lived in. Feeling myself tear apart I wasn't sure what to do. I felt nothing still. Voices in my head telling me to "Die Immediately " , but why? what have I done to die? I told myself to do as was told, grabbing an sharp razor and hurting myself, destroying the black skin I was born into, cutting deeply finally feeling something not only pain and seeing my blood but something.
Days past, still feeling the emptiness in my stomach, the crumbling of my thoughts, my head filled with what I couldn't control. Thoughts spinning, still the feeling of me wanting to just throw it all up. But, Why me? I couldn't yet answer it how I wanted too but I had enough to tell myself, I wasn't okay, the feeling wasn't normal. I couldn't express it which beat me up daily because I couldn't tell anybody how much I needed help. I felt trapped but there was no exit for me to scream. Darkness, blackness, loneliness, Nobody but me and those thoughts.
Not only did I notice my difference, So did my mom. But how? I felt like I was doing fine pretending but truly I wasn't. It was obvious. I was quiet, I distant myself, I could go all day with no verbal words. I was dealing with grief, I was dealing with mental emotions, dealing with anxiety. It kept spreading throughout me. I felt like I was watching myself walk through darkness, but It wasn't me. I begged myself to get back up, get back into my happiness and too get back on my feet. It was too late. I was defeated.
I eventually became numb, I eventually started therapy and counseling but only so often. I didn't feel like it helped because it didn't. I wanted to express it more but I felt limited. But I got tired. I didn't wanna be patient with the process. I let depression destroy me and break me apart, took me in and took me whole but I couldn't even safe myself if I wanted too. It happened without me even knowing. I was blind too it.
Months by months, days and days. I felt selfish. I didn't want too keep going through it any longer although I promised to be strong I felt like I wasn't. I again let depression fool me into hurting my well being. Taking pills, swallowing 10 or more, taking pills I was given for other reasons. I abused that though. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to leave this world and never come back, never wake up. But as I said selfish. I didn't think about anybody else, or how it would effect them. I didn't care because why was it me feeling this? I felt alone. I felt more than empty words couldn't explain. My stomach turning, my head feeling light, my body feeling weak, I had to speak up on what was done. I expressed to an counselor why I did it, and how much I did. I felt relieved, no judgement at all either which made it feel better.
A day past from the drug abuse, My mom took me to therapist where my therapist transferred me to Children's Emergency Crisis Center for Mental Illness. I cried because I was scared, scared I would get locked up for my decision, scared that I wouldn't make it back out into the world, scared I wouldn't see my mom again and be locked up like an crazy mental person. Yes I was Ill but not murder type Ill. I was being watched with an camera over me, told to take my jewelry off and my clothes so I wouldn't try to recreate the mistakes I had already made.
Walking to that bathroom in the Crisis center, I stared in the mirror, realizing how much I did hate myself. But I didn't know why I did so much. I hated myself so much animosity I had towards my own well being. But, it made me upset because I did love myself, but not always. Walking myself out of that bathroom, I realized I didn't wanna go I wanted to stay. I had so much to see. So much I had to discover. From then, I felt more then just the sadness, depression, and loneliness, I finally seen myself as ME. Me with true emotions, no fear.
