Crisis Of War

{ XLII }

I haven't talked about it and I've been able to keep that picture from making its way into my brain again, but when she asks me about it, right at this moment, it all comes flowing back in. 

And I feel the bile in the back of my throat. 

But there's something else. 

I can't help but get angry at the fact that she knows. Either someone told her and that someone wasn't North, or North talked to her, despite our promise. 

'Who told you?' She inhales sharply and takes another step back, almost stumbling, and shakes her head. 

I didn't say it didn't happen, but I didn't say it did either. 

Yet she knows. By my simple questions. 

'What happened?' She asks slowly. As if her mind can't process anything at all. 'Who told you, Valentina.' 

'Don't you fucking dare.' She says, her eyes shooting back to mine, 'Don't Valentina me, tell me what happened.' 

I sigh and take a deep breath, hoping that she'll answer my question after I answered hers. 

'A few weeks ago, we went to a club to get some information out of a Dutch guy called Johan van Beek.' She takes my words like a drug, eager to know more because she wants to help North as much as she can. 

But I know that North won't want help. We've all tried. 

'I told her to seduce him, but it went wrong and she got locked into his office.' I don't want to continue, because the picture comes creeping up again. 'And then-' 'Is he dead?' 

I take a deep breath while nodding, making a sound escape her lips. 

It's a mix between relief and fear. 

And I don't know why, but I look away, afraid of her reaction. I don't want her to see me like this, this nauseous because of what happened. 

But it's the truth. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, and I know that it's my fault for sending her in there alone. 

'You're so stupid.' She breathes after a while, making me look at her again. 

Tears form in the corner of her eyes, but just like earlier, she tries to blink them away. 

'You let her go in there, alone?' She asks completely taken by surprise. 'I thought-' 'You shouldn't be thinking about putting her through shit like that in the first place!' 

She's right. 

She's fucking right. 

And that makes all of this worse. 

'I mean, you could've hired anyone else to do that shit for you! A professional! But you chose Neveah!?' 

I get up from the bed and she stumbles back, shaking her head at me. 'Don't you fucking dare.' 

'I had no-' 'How could you not, even for a split second, think that something could go so terribly wrong in there?' She asks, her voice hard and cold. 

Distant. 

No. 

'Valentina, I didn't mean for any of it to happen.' I say as I take a step forward, trying to get closer to her. 

Because if she slips through my fingers again, if she goes out of the room like this, we're done. She won't ever look at me again. 

'But it did.' She states, realizing what I'm trying to do as I take another step. 'You let it happen and I don't see how any of this isn't your fault.'