Asexuality and Aromanticism

Doubting, coming out and misconceptions

Almost every ace doubts their asexuality at some point, I do almost all the time. We all have different reasons, some think that maybe they're just antisocial, others, like me, think that maybe it's just that things their patents said may have just gotten to them and some even think that they couldn't be ace because they didn't used to be. It's all normal and doesn't make you any less ace. 😊

You can also doubt if your aro, I definitely doubt myself all the time because I don't know if an online relationship counts, and I did feel something for him at the beginning, and I'm also confused about some feelings I have for an ex-friend of mine, I'm not sure if it's a squish or a crush. But the thing is, it's just a label, maybe you will change your mind someday and feel like your biromantic or hetromantic or whatever else you may feel like. There's nothing wrong with that. As long as you are happy, that's all that matters.

Now, I have very minimal experience coming out, the only people I've come out to are online friends.

The first was the same guy that I had been in a relationship with. I came out to him as asexual a month or two before he admitted to having a crush on me. I only came out because he was confused as to why I said I don't have a crush (I didn't realize at the time that asexuals can have crushes, because we can, I'm just aromantic) he seemed cool with it, and I felt really comfortable talking to him after that.

The next one was someone that randomly dm'd me on Reddit, he seemed like a cool guy, but then we got into this weird talk about kissing and sex and I came out as ace. Worst mistake of my life, he proceeded to ask me all of these very personal questions and asked for nudes.

The last one was another friend of mine, he'd asked what subreddits I use most and one of them was an asexual one for memes. I told him I was ace and he was so awesome, we talked for a while about the asexual invasion on Denmark and I was so relieved.

Those are the only people I've come out to, I haven't come out to my parents because of personal reasons and I actually plan on coming out to my brother some day, just not now. As for real life friends, I don't have any.

One thing is, if and when you do come out, there are a lot of misconceptions that people will have.

1. You can't be asexual if you've had sex.

Yes, you can, you can even enjoy sex. Asexuality isn't based on your feelings about sex, it's based on whether or not you experience sexual attraction.

2. You can't be asexual if you've never had sex.

Yes, you can, I should know.

3. You just haven't had good sex.

You can have good and/or bad sex, it's about sexual attraction.

4. You just have a hormone imbalance.

You can have your hormones tested if you want to, but I bet you $10 that you have completely normal and healthy hormone levels.

5. You have sexual trauma.

I don't, and I'm still very definitely asexual.

6. Your celibate.

People are usually celibate because of religious reasons and still may experience sexual attraction and want to have sex, they just hold themselves back, asexuals either don't want to have sex or still have sex even though they're asexual. It doesn't have anything to do with religion.

7. You just haven't found the right person yet, once you do you'll want to have sex all the time.

I mean, this could be true if your demi, but not every asexual is demi and maybe there is no "right one".

8. Your just bisexual/pansexual/gay in denial.

Nope, I would be completely open to being bi, pan or gay, but I'm not.

9. You just want attention.

I'm an introvert. Do you really thing I'm doing this for attention? And as for aces that are extroverted, I'm sure you've got better and more healthy ways to get attention.

10. You can't be asexual, humans are sexual beings by nature.

Really? Well then why don't I want to have sex, why doesn't porn and smut turn me on, why is everything to do with sex so boring? Maybe your a sexual being, but I'm not and I'm still human.