Without Me

Chapter 19

Lizzie woke up to someone shaking her. For a blissful moment, she forgot everything that had happened in the last few months. She was back in her normal life, and everything was good.

"Jo …" she murmured, rolling over. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Joe?" Hope asked with a coy smile. "Who is Joe, and do I know him?"

Lizzie sat up. Her heart thudded in her chest. "What?"

"Who is Joe?" Hope repeated, her smile growing wider.

"I didn't say Joe." Lizzie shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "I said 'no.' Now why are you waking me up?"

"You slept through your alarm - and your first class. I didn't think you wanted to miss your second," Hope explained, setting her backpack on the floor. Lizzie had still been sleeping when she left, but she figured the blonde was just trying to get every wink she could. Imagine her surprise when she was still sleeping when she got back. "Unless you're skipping? In which case, I fully support, but let me know next time so we can hide together."

"I'm not skipping." Lizzie flopped back onto her pillows. "I'm just tired."

Hope smiled knowingly again. "You came back really late last night."

Lizzie covered her eyes and flashes of the night before exploded under her eyelids. It was a lot of fun. She hadn't laughed as hard as she did with Landon and Wade in a long time. A very long time. It was … genuine fun. And Lizzie couldn't wait to do it again next week. 

"I bet you spent the night with Joe," Hope gushed, overexaggerating the heart eyes she shot at their ceiling. 

Lizzie sat up sharply, Landon's face coming to mind. She wasn't liking this metaphor. "Absolutely not."

Hope shook her head, giving up the act but not believing her roommate at all. "Sure. Maybe I'll see you in class?" Hope asked as she took her old textbooks out of her bag and shoved her new ones in.

"Maybe."

But after Hope left, Lizzie didn't make any move to get ready for class. She leaned against her headboard, the prism from her nightstand in her hand but her room free of any holographic projections. She didn't need any distractions. She needed to center herself.

This was her chance to start over, and she was wasting it. Wasting it sitting in bed, wasting it spending all her time hiding her identity, and wasting it hiding from Josie and her mean girl squad. She was sitting around like she was waiting for it to blow over and go back to normal, except … there was no normal to get back to.

That was the whole point. Lizzie didn't like her old normal. She wanted to leave it behind. So why was she yearning for it now instead of seizing her opportunity for a better normal?

She rolled onto her side, still cradling the crystal in her hands. She felt it warm as it did its job. When she opened her eyes again, it was Hope who laid across from her, her head on Lizzie's second pillow.

"Hi." SimuHope smiled.

There was something different in her eyes. Lizzie noticed it right away. Up until now, she hadn't realized her roommate Hope looked at her so differently than her best friend Hope. But seeing the difference now … it was undeniable. This was her Hope.

Lizzie just smiled back. "Hi."

"What's on your mind?"

"You, apparently." Lizzie sighed. "And this ascendant."

"Which ascendant?" Like she didn't know.

"I sort of … did something stupid, so I have a hypothetical for you."

"Okay." SimuHope settled in. "Shoot."

"If it was like I never existed and no one remembered that I made Rafael a prison world, where would the ascendant be?"

"Gone. Long, long gone," SimuHope said sadly. "Somebody would've mistaken it for junk."

Lizzie sighed. There it was. Today's painful realization. The chances of the ascendant still being the school were very low, and the chances of her finding it if it were … even lower.

SimuHope picked head up. "What do you mean like you never existed?"

"Nothing." Lizzie shook her head. "If the ascendant was still around, where would it be?"

"You went into Malivore, didn't you?"

Lizzie blinked quickly, looking everywhere but at SimuHope. 

"Why would you do that?"

"I had to - I had to weaken him. From the inside," Lizzie explained half-heartedly. "But you already knew that because you're me."

"So why didn't you do the spell to bring our memories back?" SimuHope ignored the part where she wasn't real.

"Because I … I don't want you to remember me. All of you." Lizzie sat up. "I wanted to start over. With a clean slate. In a world where I wasn't a horrible bitch to all of you."

"You know …" SimuHope smiled. "... I always liked that you were a bitch."

"You and you alone."

SimuHope reached out to touch Lizzie's hand. "You were perfect just the way you were."

"Then now I'll be more than perfect."

"That's not -"

Lizzie spoke over her, "So you don't have any idea about the ascendant? Because I have a theory right now that it's in my dad's room, and if you don't have a better idea, I'll just go with that."

SimuHope just stared at Lizzie with that look. Lizzie squirmed uncomfortably until she couldn't take it anymore. 

"I will take that as a 'no.'" Lizzie dropped the crystal onto the bed next to her, SimuHope's stern look disappearing with it.