Intangible Desire (A Sasuke x Naruto Fanfiction)

One

Liquor. My sin of "choice". It's all I've ever know. At least for the past five fucking years. Every single time I've ever had anything good, I just had to go and mess it up. I ruined the best thing I'd ever had with alcohol.  You'd think that'd stop me, right? Well you'd be wrong. Dead fucking wrong. See, that's the thing about this addiction. It doesn't. Fucking. Stop.

He was wonderful. Perfectly lovely. Older. A few inches shorter than me, muscular but still lean, had skin as smooth as marble, and such a good voice. I mean, when he was under me— I'm getting sidetracked here, sorry. I digress.  God,  I can't even put it into words. He was so good to me. Why can't I stop? I spend every waking hour, drinking, popping pills with some Jack Daniels to wash it all down. It's a wonder I haven't died yet.

Let me paint the story for you. I'll tell you everything that happened. God knows I've been needing to get this off my chest.

I was 23. I had a good job, a loving girlfriend, and the cutest Yorkie you'd ever seen—his name was Max, not that that's relevant— and everything in my life was just perfect. I was at my peak. Until I came home to my lover, my girlfriend, fucking him. Kiba. He was one of my best friends. I really trusted him. And her. That bitch. Hinata. Every time I thought of what she did, I'd begin to succumb to rage. That's how the drinking began. I went to the the local night club, Club Nightingale, every damn day, payed for some random whore to entertain me for the night, and bought enough drinks to help me feel numb. To forget. But I never did.

One of those nights, I was feeling even worse than usual. I went to a different club that night, and I swear I saw her. That unfaithful bitch. How could she do that to me? She worked there, so I decided I'd pay for her services to get a moment with her alone. She led me to the private room and my heart raced, adrenaline coursing through every cell in my body. I pushed her against the bed and choked her. Those eyes she had. Purple. They repulsed me. The eyes of a cheater. I ripped her clothing off and did unspeakable things to her that night. I almost killed her. But, something stopped me. I regained control and realized it wasn't her. It never was.

The girl was passed out. In a daze. I just took off. Got into my car and just sat there, bewildered. I did that. Me. Never in a million years did I think I could be capable of something like that. Yet, I was. I made a phone call, to a mental health hotline of some kind. I got redirected to a therapist, and I scheduled an appointment with him the very next day. I needed serious help. What I did to that girl was irredeemable.

I slept in my car and when I woke up, my head was pounding. My body felt heavy with guilt. The appointment was in 45 minutes, so I drove straight there. I got to a waiting room and I tried to clean myself up in the bathroom. I couldn't even recognize the man staring back at me in the mirror. I felt like a monster. And I certainly looked like one. Blond stubble was growing in, making my face look shadowy, and my cheekbones were hollowed. I had deep bags, and my normal bright blue eyes had lost their luster. I washed my face with water and hand soap and rinsed my mouth out with water. I'm sure my breath was putrid.

"Mr. Uzumaki? Dr. Uchiha is ready to see you now. His office is the first one on the right. You can't miss it.", the receptionist said. "Thanks." I replied, dryly.  I followed her directions and arrived outside of a plain white door, slightly ajar. I hesitantly pushed the door open and stood in the door frame. "Mr. Uzumaki? Please, come in and sit." I sat down in one of the black cushioned chairs and I felt my uneasiness melt away as I sank into it. It was the comfiest I'd felt since the day my life went to shit.

"Hello, It's so nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Uchiha. How are you doing today, Mr. Uzu—" I interjected. "Naruto is fine, thanks". "Okay, well how are you today, Naruto?" The way he uttered my name for the first time was like heaven. It was perfectly euphonious. Music to my fucking ears. All I managed to say back was "I'm fine." He was so patient with me. "I'd just like to say I am so glad you reached out. I know it can be hard to admit when fault in ourselves and I'm it took a great bout of courage to come here today.  Can I start by asking you what happened? It's okay if you aren't ready to tell me anything today but—". "No, I'm ready.", I interjected. I needed to get this off my chest.

"Well okay then. Take your time. I want you to feel that you are 100% comfortable in this space, in this moment. Know that there is no judgement and no consequences for anything you say here."

I went silent for a moment. I took a deep breath and relayed the events of the entire past month to him. He listened attentively, quietly, taking in my each and every word and savoring them. By the time I was done, I felt the wetness rolling down my cheeks. I was crying. For the first time in so long. It felt good, but I quickly stopped myself. I couldn't let anyone see that kind of weakness in me.

"Thank you for sharing all of that with me. Would you like any tea? I have some steeping right now. I was about to go get a cup for myself." "No, thanks.", I replied, flatly. The thought of tea sounded good right now, especially since my stomach was completely empty.

He came back with two cups and I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to feign annoyance. "Please, just try it. You don't have to finish it all, but I can promise it's always made me feel better."

He held out the cup to me and I took it. I eyed the brown liquid and sniffed it, filling my nostrils with calming floral scent. I took a hesitant sip. "It's chamomile lavender. How do you like it?" said the therapist.

"Thank you, doctor—", I trailed off, since I seemed to forget his name as quickly as I'd heard it. "Uchiha. But please, call me Sasuke. It's only fair since you insisted I call you Naruto."

"Well, uh, thank you, Sasuke." I fidgeted uncomfortably in the seat, not really sure of what to say next. All I could really think of was how nice his name rolled off the tongue. My tongue. I studied him, really looking at all of his features for the first time. He had his hair back into what was supposed to be a low ponytail, but it's unruly nature made it impossible for all of it to lay flat. It was kinda funny looking, but he made it work. He wore glasses, but through them I could see the intensity his gaze held, Flecks of red seemed to shine throughout his otherwise pitch black eyes. I wondered what he'd look like with them off. I studied the rest of his face; his perky nose, his nice pink lips, and I trailed my gaze downward. He wore a deep green button-up and the top button was unfastened, exposing parts of his defined collarbones. My eyes widened suddenly and I turned away, ashamed of how I must've looked, a shameless perv checking out my new therapist like he was a piece of meat.

"Sorry. I zoned out for a bit." I lie and awkwardly clear my throat. I pick up my cup from the coffee table and look at the liquid in it, pretending it's oh-so-interesting. I take more sips and cast my eyes down, making sure I avoid eye contact. "That's alright, Naruto. I think we should wrap up for today. What do you think? Is coming back here something you'd be willing to do?" I lift my eyes back up to his face briefly, but cast them downwards again. He smiled warmly. I can't say no. I want to, but I can't.
"So, uh, about the payment..." I say instead of a desperate 'yes' or a reticent 'no'.

"This first session is free, but if you'd like to come back, I operate using a sliding scale fee, which is income-based. With insurance it can range from 10 to 20 dollars an hour. I typically have sessions once a week or once every two weeks with my clients, whichever works best."

I stand up and respond curtly, trying to allude to false finality. "Thank you, Sasuke, goodbye now." I turn around and head towards the door and he says "Take care of yourself, Naruto." The words sounded so strange. More like something you'd say to an ex you never want to see again than a potential client you just messed up today whose fucked up in the head in all kinds of ways and seems to not be coming back. I'd be back though. I need this. I need someone to talk to before I lose my fucking mind. I need someone to listen.

I need him.