Surviving the truth

18| what does this mean?

"You could sleep with him." Cristina said. "Get the urge out."

"Or you could confess you want to be with him and then sleep with him." Lexie said.

"Lexie, you weren't around a year ago. You don't know what happened unlike Cristina. It's not that easy to just confess something when you're scared to get hurt again, because trust me, I did confess how I felt to him, and then he chose a different woman."

"Yeah, but he wanted to be sure he and his wife wouldn't work out." She said. "If he didn't try then he wouldn't have been the guy you fell in love with."

God, I hate when other people are right when I'm not.

I got home before Derek. After I fed Emma, gave her a bath, and put her down in her crib, I went into Derek's room an sat down on his bed waiting for him. I don't know what I was doing, but I did hope I'd figure it out before he got home. I heard Derek shout my name when he entered the house, but I didn't answer. I heard his footsteps walking up the stairs, and he stopped at the entryway to his room when he saw me on his bed.

"Hi." I managed to get out.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked walking further into the room.

"Honestly, I don't know."

"Interesting." Derek placed his jacket on the end of his bed as he walked around the bed to sit down on the side of it. "Well, then." He undid his shoes. "How are you?"

"I don't know." I answered again. "You make my feelings go all over the place."

"I do? How so?" He grinned.

"Because you're you."

"I can't help being me, Meredith, just like you can't help being you."

I crawled across the bed to Derek and sat down beside him. I can't believe I'm about to do this. I climbed onto Derek's lap, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him on his lips. He fell backwards onto the bed as I felt his hands wandering up and down my back. We rolled so that he was on top of me and I was on the bottom of him, still kissing. Derek was the one to pull apart, but that was so he could loosen his shirt so he could take it off. I sat up in the bed, pulled my shirt over my head, and then helped Derek undo his belt.

I really hope Emma won't cry and ruin this.

I laid beside Derek wrapped in his arms when we finished. My head rested on his chest and I listened as his heart and breathing steadied. I looked up at him and he leaned down and kissed me on my lips.

"So, what does this mean?" Derek asked.

"Mama!"

Emma lit up when she saw me enter the kitchen while she sat in her high chair being fed breakfast by Derek. I walked around the table and gave her a kiss on her cheek. Derek was obviously jealous because when I did that he said, "Do I get one too?"

"I'm late." I grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on the table and then kissed Derek on the cheek on my way out of the kitchen. "I'll see you at the hospital."

I can't believe Derek and I had sex last night. And what did it mean? I tried my best at ignoring the fact and tried to focus on rounds with my interns. After giving them their assignments, my friends and I hung out in the tunnels waiting for traumas to be rushed in so we could possibly get our hands on some good surgeries.

I yawned as we all sat on a gurney talking. Cristina noticed and said, "Didn't get much sleep last night?" She then smirked at me when I didn't answer. "Oh you dirty girl."

"What?" Izzie asked.

"You know what? Yes I had sex last night. Is that a crime?" I proclaimed. "I'm allowed to have sex."

"So who's the guy?" Cristina asked. "Or did you finally take my advice and do Derek?"

I slammed my hands down on my thighs. "It doesn't matter who I did."

"Oh, she so did Derek." Izzie smirked. "I hope you guys used protection this time."

"So is the sex just sex or is there something more?" Cristina asked.

I sighed in relief when my pager saved me from answering the question I didn't have an answer for.

That whole week I tried my best at avoiding to talk to Derek about our sex night. I wasn't ready to talk about it until I knew exactly what I would say. Luckily, it was pretty easy to avoid that talk because I was paged into the hospital three nights out of the seven, I tried my best at staying late at the hospital, or I went to bed before Derek came home.

I just wanted an answer before we talked about it.

What the fuck does this mean?