Surviving the truth

12| back to work

My two months off from work was much needed, but I was excited to be going back. I've been getting sick and tired of being at home all day every day with Emma. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I need to be away from her to miss her. Unfortunately for me, the intern test is literally the first Friday I'm back, but luckily since I haven't been working, I've been studying and Cristina, George, Izzie, and Alex have been coming over to study with me, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Emma is staying in the hospital daycare which is convenient for me and Derek. Plus it's free to all doctors and nurses so no complaining here from me. All week Dr. Bailey gave us the opportunity to study for our, what she has said, "most important test in our entire surgical career". This test will determine whether or not we have what it takes to be a surgeon. I had to beg Dr. Bailey to let me actually work since I've been on maternity leave and been studying for the test for the past few weeks.

"Fine, you can be with me today." The other interns groaned because they'd rather work than study too. "Hey. Hey. Hey. I don't want any complaining to me for not allowing you extra time to study if you all fail. Now go. And Grey, follow me. You have plenty to catch up on."

I smirked at my friends as I followed Dr. Bailey down to the ER. I knew they were jealous of me, but I've been jealous of them ever since my maternity leave began. Actually, no. Since I learned I was pregnant, especially pregnant by.

During my lunch break, I went down to the daycare to get Emma. Luckily it's right before her lunch feeding, so I was able to relieve my full of milk boobs. Let's just say I forgot to bring my breast pump with me and will remember tomorrow because my boobs are extremely sore and I'm leaking, which isn't fun either.

I was feeding Emma in the cafeteria as I was eating lunch myself. Alex and George definitely felt uncomfortable even though I had a blanket covering my boobs and Emma as she sucked on it.

"Grow up." Izzie said. "Breastfeeding is a beautiful and natural thing."

"I feel like a dairy farm." I spoke up. "A cow to be more specific. My stomach not fully back to normal isn't helping with how I feel either."

"Mer, you look fine, okay?" Cristina said.

Emma finished eating. I put my boob away and revealed Emma from under the blanket. I saw Derek walking over to me and I smiled. "Perfect timing, dad. Your daughter needs to be burped."

Derek placed his tray of food down on the table and pulled out a chair beside me before taking Emma. "Hey, baby girl." He held her up in the air and gave her a kiss before I handed him the blanket so the spit up wouldn't get all over him and her. "So I'm planning on going to Joe's tonight." Derek said to me as he patted Emma's back. I just stared at him in complete silence and he went on. "With Mark. Can you believe he wants a drink with me?"

"Two questions. Since when are you friends with Mark?" I asked in disbelief.

"Since my mother made us talk things out like an old married couple."

"And two, why do you get to go out drinking when I can't?" I asked. "Is the woman the one who automatically has to stay home taking care of the baby while the dad goes out having fun? Are you planning on sleeping with someone too? Maybe you need to steal some condoms from the clinic so another Emma won't happen."

"Meredith, if you don't want me going out, just tell me. It's just Mark. I can give him a rain check." When I didn't respond, a smirked appeared on Derek's face. "You're jealous." He concluded. "You think I'm going to pick up a girl from the bar like I did with you, and you're jealous."

"Yes I'm jealous; jealous that you get to go out drinking while I have to take care of our daughter."

That smirked remained on Derek's face. "You're not just jealous, you're also in love with me still."

"No, it's unfair that you get a break from parenthood and I don't." I saw Mark enter the cafeteria. "Why don't you go eat lunch with your new old best friend because you're annoying me right now."

"My pleasure, honey." I crumpled up a napkin and threw it at Derek. He just walked away laughing.

"Oh, you're so still in love with Shepherd." Cristina said.

"Shut up."

I was exhausted by the time I got home at eight. I don't know how I'm going to survive taking care of practically a newborn while I'm working. I don't blame my mother now for hiring nannies. I'm seriously thinking about getting one now.

I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth.

I hate myself now.

I laid Emma down in her crib when she fell asleep and I grabbed the baby monitor on the way out. I went back downstairs and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner and sat myself down on the couch to eat it while watching TV.

God I'm tired.

I think I must have fallen asleep on the couch because I began to wake up when I felt someone picking me up. I kept my eyes shut, but I knew it was Derek taking me up to my room. He gently laid me down in my bed and put my covers over me. I heard Emma begin to cry through the baby monitor and Derek quickly left so her crying wouldn't "wake" me up. I opened my eyes when he left and smiled as I heard him talking to Emma through the baby monitor.

Why does he have to be such a good man?