Surviving the truth

10| im a mommy

"You're nothing like your mother, Meredith. You will be nothing like your mother."

"She never wanted me, Derek. And I hate to say this, but I didn't want Emma either. But now that I have her, I can't believe I even considered terminating her." A nurse came in and told me it's time to try to feed her. "You should go, but um... thanks for coming by."

"I'll be by tomorrow."

I was brought breakfast as I was feeding Emma breakfast the following morning. I always told myself I would breastfeed, but I never knew how difficult it would be to breastfeed until now. And it hurts like hell, maybe even worse than labor itself. I feel like my nipple will fall off too. No wonder why women use formula instead. My breakfast isn't that great either. I'm pretty sure the pancakes I was brought was frozen, same with the eggs and fruit.

"Why do you hate me so much, Emma?" I asked. "Is this called karma for saying I didn't want you because I take it back. I want you." I looked over to the door when I heard a knock on it and saw Derek with a bag in his hands. "Oh, please tell me there's food in that bag."

"How are you?"

"I'm positive she hates me."

"Meredith, she doesn't hate you. She's barely a day old. She doesn't know if she hates you or not. She doesn't even know what hate is yet."

"Exactly, yet. Emma is going to hate me."

"Stop being ridiculous, or I'll just take this bag of food away, and you can be stuck eating this shitty hospital food."

"Thank you." I looked down at the baby when I felt her stop sucking on my breast. "Are you done torturing me?"

"I'll burp her, you eat." Derek offered.

"Why are you trying to be our knight and shining whatever"

Derek's pager went off and he looked at it. "I have to go. But for your information, I am your knight and shining whatever." I smiled. "I'll stop by later."

I was eating lunch with Cristina when there was a knock on my door. My eyes drifted to that direction and saw my mother.

"Mom, you're here."

"I am here." Mom walked further into the room and introduced herself to my friend. "Ellis Grey, and you are?"

"Dr. Cristina Yang. Big fan of your work, Dr. Grey; the Grey-Method, genius."

"Stop kissing my mother's ass, Cristina." I said.

"You know what? I will go and leave you two alone."

When Cristina left, I asked my mother what she was doing here. I told her I wasn't expecting her so soon after I had the baby. She told me she didn't have any important surgeries, so she dropped everything and flew out. I was shocked when she told me that because usually she puts surgery above me. I guess not this time.

Mom was bonding with Emma a little bit to my surprise. Maybe she'll be a better grandmother than she was a mother. Maybe it's because this isn't her actually child, and she doesn't have to care for it. Derek entered my room full of smiles while I talked with my mom, not even realizing my mother was in the room until she asked, "And who are you?"

"Mom, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd; head of neuro here." I introduced. I looked at Derek. "This is my mom, Dr. Ellis Grey."

"I should go." He nodded once.

"You must be the married dad." Mom said. "How does your wife feel about this?"

Derek cleared his voice. "Actually, I'm divorced."

Mom turned to me. "So you were able to tear this poor man's marriage up after all; didn't think you had it in you."

"Actually, Dr. Grey-"

I cut Derek off. "I did no such thing, Mom. He and his wife tore their own marriage apart. I stayed one hundred percent out of it. So, yes, Derek is the father, no I didn't tear his marriage apart, and yes he's going to be in her life."

"Why?" She asked.

"Because look how I turned out without a dad, mom. No, look how I turned out without neither a mom nor a dad. You were never there for me once. I actually think this is the only time you are minus when I graduated from med school, and of course the day you gave birth to me because it's not like you could have passed that responsibility off to the nanny. You never wanted me, or at least it felt like you didn't. And now I feel like I'm going to be just like you, and Emma can at least have one parent who cares for her if I do end up like you. So yeah." I turned to Derek. "I'm keeping you around if you like it or not."

"I think I can survive." He smiled.

"You know a part of your dad job means you need to make sure she's forbidden fruit when she's a teenager? You think you can handle scaring the boys away because she doesn't need to be exactly like me?" I asked.

"And how exactly were you?"

I shook my head not wanting to answer. "Forbidden fruit, Derek, just remember that."

"I'm a brain surgeon, Meredith. That alone can scare the boys away." He joked.

"Oh, and no dad jokes because nobody likes dad jokes."

"That's the best thing about being a dad." He joked. "Who's last name is she getting?"

"Actually, I was thinking hyphened; Grey-Shepherd."

"But what if she get's married and decides to hyphen her last name? She'll have three last names? That's too many names; Grey-Shepherd-Miller. And should I bring up you chose her name and you don't see me fighting to change it."

"First of all, I hope she won't marry a man with the last name Miller. Secondly, you just told me you like her name"

"You know I'm right, though."

"I know. I just hate you when you're right." I looked down at Emma when I saw her waking up. "I don't want to fight over this. So fine, she can have just your last name."

"Let me see her." I handed Emma to Derek, and he looked at me and grinned. "So what do you have against the name Miller?"

"Shut up." I kicked him playfully since he was sitting on my bed. "Have you told your family?"

"I haven't spoke to them since I moved to Seattle." He admitted. "But I'm sure Mark and Addison have been filling them in on everything; won't be surprised if someone shows up tomorrow."

"I'm hiding my baby if one does."

"Hide me while you're at it."

I smiled. "Don't count on it."