✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

49. One Step Forward

"Tess!"

She turned around when she heard the shout, and felt the corners of her mouth turning up automatically. Regardless of what they were going to talk about, the appearance of Spike in her life was always cause for a smile.

"I missed you yesterday," he said. "I was starting to worry you might be avoiding me." He chuckled briefly, and Tess knew she should laugh too. The concept was absurd; but it was hard to find it amusing when that fear had crossed her mind as well, and she'd spent half a second seriously considering the possibility.

"I was worrying you might have got yourself hurt. Your family not so bad?"

"No. I told them I was staying with my girlfriend, that's something Duke and Brad would never interfere with."

"You..." Tess started, and then she couldn't even think of the words. Just hearing him say that had made her brain freeze completely. Like a computer flashing a blue screen at you, in response to something it had no idea how to process. Did Spike have a girlfriend now? Was it just an excuse to his family. Did he mean her? The questions made no sense, and she didn't think answering them would help any. It was just a concept too unexpected to extract any kind of rational response.

"Don't worry," he said. "You're a great friend. I'm not going to start pushing you to date me or anything. It's just after what Kim said on Sunday, and that Evan guy... it kind of put the idea in my head. If I told them I was staying with a friend, they'd be mad. Asking if their home isn't good enough or something. But Walt visits his girlfriend, and there's never a problem there. If they think I'm being a chauvinist asshole and taking advantage of some girl's naïvete, that's fine by them. Doesn't show them up."

"I don't know if I should be... pleased you're safe, or disappointed that your mind would even go there. Would they seriously think of a girlfriend as just... just a..."

"They would. I hate it. But I wouldn't. Which is why if I was ever contemplating an intimate relationship, it would have to be someone I already trust. Someone I can get on well with, so you know there'll never be arguments. I mean... I guess that's self-explanatory. It just seems to me... a girlfriend or boyfriend should be a best friend first. Somebody you can't imagine you'd ever fall out with. Right? I can't act like they think I should, and I don't understand why anybody would. So I'll keep on disappointing them, and I really don't mind that. But I know what they want, and I'll say what I have to if I can keep them out of my business."

"Yeah. I kind of... I can understand that. If you're going to trust somebody with your... your heart, I think it should be the person you trust the most anyway. Right?" Tess couldn't bring herself to say all of the words that were on her mind, but that came close. It was a hard thing to say anyway, and she wondered if Spike could see how hard it was for her to think about this. If he already knew what she was really thinking. She wasn't sure she knew herself.

"Exactly. So if I talk to my family about relationships, it will always be a bluff. I don't mean anything by it, trust me on that."

"I know. It was just such a surprise. After... you know."

"Your friends think we're dating. I guess it's only natural, when your parents let me stay over. They'd never believe I was like your little brother, craving a stable family life even if it's not... actually related. But it's kind of weird they never said anything to you about it. But then... people don't like to interfere in some parts of someone else's life, I guess."

"Well, I think..." Tess hesitated for a long time. "I don't even know what I want to say now. I want to be mad at my friends. Like you can't be close friends unless it's a romantic thing too. Or something adjacent to that. But they said it now, and I can see why it would be on their minds." 'Because I get all flustered, and start talking in riddles if someone asks how it was after we've been somewhere together.' The extra words were on her mind, but they never came close to her tongue.

"I think if they're assuming things, we shouldn't let it worry us. It's their imagination, and it doesn't hurt anybody. Best to ignore it. Unless you, like..."

"Hmm?"

"Never mind. I mean, if it bothers you we could point out that they're jumping to conclusions. But it doesn't bother me, because I know it's not true."

"I guess. Like, could you imagine that? We'd–" She was saved from further embarrassment by the bell, urging them towards their morning registration. Tess waved, but she knew now that the question of what he might have said would be buzzing around in her head all day. Did he really like her? And how? There was no sense thinking about that, but she had let her friends see how flustered she was in the past. They would assume it whether it was true or not. But she knew that if she tried to forget, about it, those dreams would only become more insistent.

She hurried off to her own class; a tiny hope burning in the back of her mind thanks to Kim's speculation.