BLOODSHOT . . . piper mclean

68.

"If we had a secret lair," said Red Fur, "I would want a firehouse pole."

"And a waterslide!" said Brown Fur, who was pulling random tools out of Leo's belt, tossing aside wrenches, hammers, and staple guns.

"Stop that!" Leo tried to grab the dwarf's feet, but he couldn't reach the top of the pedestal. Haha. Short.

"Too short?" Brown Fur sympathized.

"You're calling me short?" Leo looked around, probably to chuck something at Brown Fur. "Give me my belt, you stupid—"

"Now, now!" said Brown Fur. "We haven't even introduced ourselves. I'm Akmon. And my brother over there—"

"—is the handsome one!" The red-furred dwarf lifted his espresso. Judging from his dilated eyes and his maniacal grin, he didn't need any more caffeine. "Passalos! Singer of songs! Drinker of coffee! Stealer of shiny stuff!"

"Please!" shrieked his brother, Akmon. "I steal much better than you."

Passalos snorted. "Stealing naps, maybe!" He took out a knife — Piper's knife — and started picking his teeth with it.

"Hey!" Eden yelled. "That's my girlfriend's knife!"

She lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was ready for it. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Perfect Jason's head, did a flip, and landed next to Leo, his hairy arms around Leo's waist. It made Eden gag.

"Save me?" the dwarf pleaded.

"Get off!" Leo tried to shove him away, but Passalos did a backward somersault and landed out of reach. Leo's pants promptly fell around his knees.

Passalos was grinning and holding a small zigzaggy strip of metal. Somehow, the dwarf had stolen the zipper right off Leo's pants.

"Give — stupid — zipper!" Leo stuttered, trying to shake his fist and hoist up his pants at the same time. Eden noticed that Perfect Jason was red. Huh.

"Eh, not shiny enough." Passalos tossed it away.

Perfect Jason lunged with his sword. Passalos launched himself straight up and was suddenly sitting on the statue's pedestal next to his brother.

"Tell me I don't have moves," Passalos boasted.

"Okay," Akmon said. "You don't have moves."

"Bah!" Passalos said. "Give me the tool belt. I want to see."

"No!" Akmon elbowed him away. "You got the knife and the shiny ball."

"Yes, the shiny ball is nice." Passalos took off his cowboy hat. Like a magician producing a rabbit, he pulled out the sphere and began tinkering with it.

"Stop!" Leo yelled. "That's a delicate machine."

Perfect Jason came to his side and glared up at the dwarfs. "Who are you two, anyway?"

"The Kerkopes!" Akmon narrowed his eyes at Perfect Jason. "I bet you're a son of Jupiter, eh? I can always tell."

"Just like Black Bottom," Passalos agreed.

"Black Bottom?" Eden frowned, coming up to them.

"Yes, you know." Akmon grinned. "Hercules. We called him Black Bottom because he used to go around without clothes. He got so tan that his backside, well—"

"At least he had a sense of humor!" Passalos said. "He was going to kill us when we stole from him, but he let us go because he liked our jokes. Not like you three. Grumpy, grumpy!"

Eden snorted. "I'll be funny once you give me my shit back. And my girl's."

"Hey, I've got a sense of humor," Leo snarled. "Give me back our stuff, and I'll tell you a joke with a good punch line."

"Nice try!" Akmon pulled a ratchet wrench from the tool belt and spun it like a noisemaker. "Oh, very nice! I'm definitely keeping this! Thanks, Blue Bottom!"

Blue Bottom?

Eden glanced down. Leo's pants had slipped around his ankles again, revealing his blue undershorts. "That's it!" he shouted. "My stuff. Now. Or I'll show you how funny a flaming dwarf is."

His hands caught fire.

"Now we're talking." Perfect Jason thrust his sword into the sky. Dark clouds began to gather over the piazza. Thunder boomed.

"God, y'all are so dramatic," Eden muttered under her breath.

"Oh, scary!" Akmon shrieked.

"Yes," Passalos agreed. "If only we had a secret lair to hide in."

"Alas, this statue isn't the doorway to a secret lair," Akmon said. "It has a different purpose."

Leo yelled, "Trap!" and dove out of the fountain. Unfortunately, Perfect Jason was too busy summoning his storm.

Five golden cords shot from the Poseidon statue's fingers. One barely missed Leo's feet. The rest homed in on Perfect Jason, wrapping him like a rodeo calf and yanking him upside down.

A bolt of lightning blasted the tines of Neptune's trident, sending arcs of electricity up and down the statue, but the Kerkopes had already disappeared.

And sadly, the other fingers went off, wrapping the fucking cords around Eden's body and holding her against the statue.

"Bravo!" Akmon applauded from a nearby café table. "You make a wonderful piñata, son of Jupiter, daughter of Neptune!"

"Yes!" Passalos agreed. "Hercules hung us upside down once, you know. Oh, revenge is sweet!"

Leo summoned a fireball. He lobbed it at Passalos, who was trying to juggle two pigeons and the Archimedes sphere.

"Eek!" The dwarf jumped free of the explosion, dropping the sphere and letting the pigeons fly.

"Time to leave!" Akmon decided.

He tipped his bowler and sprang away, jumping from table to table. Passalos glanced at the shiny sphere, which had rolled between Leo's feet.

Leo summoned another fireball. "Try me," he snarled.

"Bye!" Passalos did a backflip and ran after his brother.

Leo scooped up the Archimedes sphere and ran over to Perfect Jason, who was still hanging upside down, thoroughly hog-tied except for his sword arm. He was trying to cut the cords with his gold blade but having no luck. Eden was chilling with hers, wriggling to get her arm free just like her caretakers had taught her.

"Hold on," Leo said. "If I can find a release switch—"

"Just go!" Perfect Jason growled. "We'll follow you when we get out of this."

"But—"

"Don't lose them!" Eden said hotly, getting her arm free.

Leo left them hanging and ran after the dwarves.