SDMN| Stories

• THERAPY NOTES | HARRY 03

Harry
Harry Lewis/16/Crestwood High

Sorry my handwriting is really messy, I'm in the guidance counsellors office right now, drinking tea and trying to relax.

I had another panic attack, it was a shambles. I didn't know that we had to read out our stories for English class and I wrote a poem about how much better I think the world would be without so many rules and restrictions. Like imagine if we had full creative reign on life? I think that would be pretty sweet.

Well, that didn't end well, I started to read it out and this guy, Ethan, was laughing. He laughs a lot, but this time he was laughing at me. At my writing. I don't think Ethan likes me very much.

Mum and Dad always say when someone laughs at you or tried to put you down, it's because they're insecure or jealous. Ethan doesn't seem like either of those things. He's always walking around with an air of confidence surrounding him, as if nothing in the world could ever bother him. Sometimes I wish I could do that.

Sorry, I got sidetracked a bit. Anyways, he started laughing, and I tried so hard to drown it out but everyone was watching me and listening to me and judging me, my stupid hands began to shake and everyone could see, then my heart was pounding in my ears and I could feel a panic attack coming on and that made me panic even more because I can't have a panic attack in front of everyone, that would be terrible-

Alright, stopping myself there. Long story short, I stopped reading and excused myself to come here, which is where I am now.

I'm actually feeling alright about this journal, I quite like writing. It's an escape. It's even better that I know no one's going to read this.

Which means I can say what's on my chest without judgement.

What's on my chest at the moment is just how much I hate anxiety. I wish I had the strength to show Ethan I didn't care, show him how I could keep reading my poem and that everyone else would like it. They would see I'm not just some weird, shy boy, and that I can be someone with a talent.

It's easy to feel talentless. Especially when it seems that everyone else is so great at something, but when you look at your own life, you don't stand out.

That's partly because we're too hard on ourselves. We treat other people better, view them from the outside and can acknowledge all their good qualities and their talent.

We can't look at ourselves from the outside. We know every single bad thing we've ever done, every mistake we've made, and that's why we view ourselves with such little respect.

That's why I try to stay out of my head; it's not a good place to be. I'm sure there's people out there that see talent in me.

I want to see talent in myself.

Maybe if I had someone who believed in me, they might be able to convince me to believe in myself.

And just maybe, I can help them too.

Harry Lewis. ꕥ