Waiting for Never - Post Malone

I Fall Apart

The next logical step would be getting married. Her life is planned out, structured and safe with Toby. It does not matter that Toby and Luan don't seem to see eye to eye, Luan has made it clear that he does not like Toby, but Toby tries to win Luan over all the time. It's sweet. It also does not matter that Marli's mother has never said Marli should marry Toby and come to think of it she has never baked Toby his own personal batch of her famous cookies even though he has complimented her thousands of times on her cooking skills. But her parents are kind and respectful to Toby, welcoming him into their home and having him join them for family dinners. They never ask about Austin, but Marli knows her mother wants to. When she had shown up on their doorstep a crying mess, her mother had fussed over her. She had made her countless cups of tea and patted her back when she curled up on the couch and watched reruns of old tv sitcoms. But that's the past and Toby doesn't even know that Austin had any bearing once on Marli's life. In fact, Toby only has one flaw, he is allergic to dogs...nobody's perfect.

Only once in their year together did her old life overlap with her new life. She and Toby had taken a drive around New York just for shits and giggles. Toby had taken a left turn and before Marli had even released it they were driving slowly down Austin's road. Marli had not known what to expect but a small part of her hoped that Austin was outside his house and that he would see her, rush up to her and swear that he did not mean what he had said in that song and that he loved her. That did not happen, instead, they drove past Austin's house, it was dark and quiet with no signs of life. Later that day Toby took her for a picnic and read a poem to her. She can't remember what the poem said, but she is sure it was sweet albeit a bit cheesy. Toby was sweet and safe.

She is better now and she is sure Austin is too.

Right now she is sitting in a tiny coffee shop waiting on Toby and trying to hide from the electric atmosphere outside. After five minutes of quiet one of the patrons ask the Barista to turn the volume up on the TV. Marli's heart leaps into her throat when she hears Austin's voice filter through the TV behind her. When she turns she sees that Austin is giving an interview. Fuck, he looks amazing. He has cut his hair and it makes him look older and more sophisticated. He has also been looking after that beard, his eyes are bright, his cheeks are rosy and his skin looks smooth. He looks healthy...and scrumptious. The sickly look he had to him the night Marli left is completely erased. He seems to carry a lightness about him that was never there before, even on his sober days. When the host cracks a joke he throws his head back and his laugh rumbles out of him, it's genuine and contagious - it has everyone in the coffee shop laughing too. Marli always loved Austin's laugh.

"So Austin, a bit of a tough two years. You are clean now how do you feel?" 

"Good, I feel great! Been sober for 18 months. Hasn't been easy. But I am getting there."

"I can imagine having to wake up every morning and actively fight to stay sober must be really hard. But you have the support of the world. What was the hardest part of your journey?" 

"Yeah, the support I have received has been amazing. I am truly humbled. The hardest part of this journey was firstly admitting to myself that I am not the monster I believed I was for so long and secondly was taking responsibility for the pain I caused those I love the most in this world. I hurt a lot of very important people during my addiction days." 

"Did a lot of people walk away from you during your darkest times of addiction?"

"Yes, but I don't blame them. I had broken them down. I was sucking the life from them. They were willing to give me everything because they loved me with everything they had and the selfish man I was back then I just took and took. They were strong to walk away, I understand why they did and I respect them for it...I love them for it. It's what pushed me to get clean. I was hiding behind them, using them as an excuse and then when they left I had no more cards to play."