The Bubbles Weren't Fun Anymore

The Burning Feeling Of Being Stupid

Trigger Warning: Discussions/POV of Inferiority Complex, Self Deprication, Intrusive Thoughts

She saw Jiwoo land the punch against Duke, and she felt a wave of pride wash over her. Despite this joy she felt, at the back of her mind she felt a tinge of pain. 

She celebrated alongside everyone else, all cheering, waving their arms in the arm and chanting his name in unison. 

As she congratulated her friend, Jisuk just had to rub it in. 

“You’re the only one who lost!” He taunted.

In the moment, she expressed her fury by beating the shit out of him, a temporary solution. She still spoke to her friends, she laughed with them and acted just as she always had. At night, when she returned to her dorm room, she sat on her bed. She sat there and thought about it. 

It wasn’t untrue. 

Jiwoo had only been training as an awakened one for less than a year, and in that time he had saved her life and beaten the guy who she couldn’t. Her whole life had been spent building power just for him to excel past her with ease. 

Of course she didn’t resent him for this. Jiwoo was the type who you couldn’t bring yourself to hate. Besides, her failures were her fault alone and no one else’s. 

Jisuk wasn’t wrong. 

And that hurt. 

She lost herself in her thoughts every night after. It was getting harder and harder to act like everything was fine, because not a day had passed where Jisuk hadn’t said something about it. If not Jisuk, someone mentioned it without fail. It was like a routine, remind Subin that she’s a failure. 

Jiwoo hadn’t. She appreciated that he didn’t flex but at the same time, she told herself he wasn’t bragging on purpose. 

It was illogical. She knew Jiwoo could never brag about a victory, he was the most humble person she had ever met. But she still told herself… She told herself he wasn’t bragging about beating Duke because he didn’t want to upset her. He was looking down on her. He wasn’t. She knew realistically he wasn’t, but realism meant nothing to her. The fact she thought that way made her feel guilty every time she saw him. She knew it wasn’t true, so why couldn’t she convince herself?

She never felt like the best in the room. 

She replaced the feeling of equality or excellence with facts. She studied hard in school, partially for the sake of her Grandfather, but majorly to drown out her own feelings of self loathing. Every time she got an A, she felt like she had proven her worth. Here was written proof she was brilliant. But because of this reliance on grades, every time she didn’t get the highest available mark, she felt like her heart had been thrown in a furnace, the burning feeling of being stupid. The feeling she wasn’t enough. 

“Someone else could’ve done this easily, so why can’t I?”

“I revised, so why did I fail? I’m so stupid”

“Everyone is laughing at me”

“I should just drop out of school, save myself the embarrassment”

She told herself. 

Everytime something she did wasn’t perfect, the feelings set in. 

She was one of the four strongest in her age range in the whole country. The only girl. A fact she was proud of. One of the only things she had to prove herself. But since Wooin and Jiwoo, she felt afraid that one of them would replace her, or take her spot. Then she’d have nothing. 

She didn’t hate them. But she told herself she did. 

She was proud of them. But she told herself she hated them. 

She didn’t. 

The only person she hated was herself, but humans have ways of subconsciously consoling themselves, and sometimes those methods don’t work. By forcing your faults onto others, you feel better, like what you lack isn’t your fault. You falling short isn’t your fault. However, when the person your brain decides to blame is someone you cherish, you feel worse. Indescribably selfish, guilty. 

Since it’s a subconscious reaction to one's downfalls, regardless of how awful it actually makes you feel, the feelings don’t falter. The thoughts don’t dissipate. You can’t stop them no matter how hard you try to distract yourself. 

Subin felt that exact way, night after night. And every minute she spent with her dear friends, the thoughts plagued the back of her mind. 

If she told someone, would they hate her? Would they come close to understanding? She couldn’t even grasp how she felt, so how could she expect someone else to have the answers?

She had historically ran to Mr Park whenever something went wrong. Her Grandfather was preoccupied with leading the group but even without that he wasn’t a very emotional parental figure. He relied heavily on old school methods of discipline, but fortunately he was too busy most of the time to inflict any of that on Subin. Mr Park was the man Subin would call if she needed a ride home. 

He wasn’t much more of an emotional figure to look up to, but she always knew he cared. He didn’t express it, he never hugged her or held her hand or gave her affectionate compliments. He congratulated her when she succeeded and he told her off when she didn’t, that was the extent, but it was enough. They could talk for hours. When she was younger, she especially liked explaining the intricate details of her romantic comedy movies. Even as a 10 year old she had a deep passion for the male leads. 

Every time she went off on a rant, Mr Park listened. If he made time for a small chat, he wouldn’t cut it short for anything. He would draw out the conversation as long as Subin needed to finish explaining. That’s how she knew he cared. Those gestures that meant nothing at the time. As she grew older, she naturally realised he was a busy man so she stopped forcing him to listen to her. But she always knew if she needed to she could. 

Wooin could listen. One time, they both needed to head to the Union together straight from school. She saw a poster for a romantic comedy she had watched and without even realising it she started going on about it. Wooin listened, he didn’t understand but he listened. Every now and then he would ask a question, and nod along trying to understand. He pretended he knew what she was talking about, and as they parted ways, she thought that that was one of the best conversations she had ever partaken in. It was one sided for the most part, yet she felt fulfilled. 

Jisuk didn’t mean to hurt her as bad as he was. 

She wasn’t the biggest Jisuk stan by any stretch of the imagination, but he was slowly, very slowly getting more tolerable. That somehow hadn’t taken a nose dive given his recent taunting. 

At the end of the day, if Subin had won, Jisuk wouldn’t have had anything to mock her for. It was her fault. 

This was her problem, she caused it, she would deal with it. 

She wouldn’t fall behind. She would never hold contempt for her friends. 

She resolved to work harder, so one day she could stand next to them and not feel like she was out of her depth. Not feeling like she was beneath them or above them, she wanted to stand comfortably by their side without a fear in the world. 

And most importantly, she would be strong enough to kick Jisuk’s ass. 

Hi <3 It was my last day of school today. This was easier to write because I made it something I actually relate to. I love Subin sm :) I have a few ideas for more chapters and none of them are happy. This is meant to be a mix of both, so I'll have to get my thinking cap on and write something happy. It's so much easier to write sad stuff. I'll figure it out, anyway, have as nice a day as possible :D