Waiting for Never - Post Malone

Exile

Suddenly Austin's fingers are on her jaw,  turning her face to his. She can't hide her watery eyes. "What is it, lil mama? What has you so upset?" he asks gently. Marli explains the mix-up to him, she can hear Jim through the phone frantically asking if she is still there as she talks to Austin.  Austin smiles at her. "Tell him it's fine. I will still perform. It's nothing," he says softly. She does and then ends the call.
Austin takes her face, her cheeks pressed into his palms, and connects their lips. After some time he ends the kiss but leans his forehead against hers and speaks quietly, only loud enough for her to hear. "I am a grown man, lil mama. But please, for the love of all things holy don't cry, that sadness in your eyes dam near breaks my heart," he says. Marli tries to steady her breathing. "What do you need? Tell me," he asks. Marli reaches up and clings to his wrists hoping the pressure drives home the magnitude of her words. "You, I just need you, Austin," she says. Austin pulls back slightly so he can look into her eyes. "I am no good, lil mama," he whispers. The way he says it with so much self-loathing breaks Marli's heart. Why does he hate himself so much? Marli opens her mouth to contest but their moment is broken by a loud shrieking and an, "O. M. G!!!  Wait! What?! Are you kissing Austin Post?!?" Both Marli and Austin turn to see Jonas' cocktail waitress wide-eyed, open-mouthed and pointing at Marli.

Austin is quick to release Marli. When Marli looks over at Austin a surge of annoyance shoots through her, but quickly turns to feelings of rejection that leave a sour taste in her mouth. Austin has moved all the way across to the other side of the car and he is looking at Jonas with a stormy face and eyes that say, "shut her up!" Marli looks out her window into the black night willing the tears in her eyes not to betray her as she hears Jonas telling his cocktail waitress that she has had too much champagne, that she is seeing things, and that the limo is dark. Marli knows what she saw though, she saw Austin Post's dirty little secret and that just won't do. It's clear that he is embarrassed by her and does not want anyone to know that he is wasting his time with her.

~

It's 11:45 pm Marli is sitting outside behind a big white tent with a bottle of champagne. She hates champagne. She takes another sip and watches the first firework explode in the air. She just wants to be alone, bless Lou because although she can't see Lou she knows she is there in the dark, giving her space. Fuck everyone else though, except her mom and her Dad and her brother and Patricia from the coffee shop. She always gives Marli an extra-large coffee when she orders a large. Yes,  Patricia gets a pass. A loud explosion makes her jump as she tries to take another sip, she misses her mouth and it spills all down her front. Shit. They had arrived just in time for Austin to be whisked away by stagehands. He left her all alone, again. Austin can go fuck himself. Another explosion, another sip. The venue is amazingly well equipped to have suddenly gone from only one hundred people to three thousand. Marli suspects she has been duped. Doesn't matter much now though, because she does not care much now. Explosion. Sip. Austin has sung his two songs and Marli hasn't seen him since. He can go fucking fuck himself even if it's almost midnight and all she wants is to go find him - be the first to kiss him. Be the only one to kiss him. But she is scared, scared to walk into that crowd and have Austin keep her at arm's length or worse, see Austin kissing someone else. He could do that, just kiss someone else. He does not belong to her. He could kiss someone good enough. Someone he won't keep hidden. Maybe she could do that too? Maybe she could go find someone and kiss them. Maybe they would fall in love and he would show her off to the world. Maybe...

11:55 and Marli tries to take another sip but the bottle is finished so she stands up, her legs are wobbly. Austin should be ashamed of her, she is drunk on cheap champagne. She hates champagne. She throws the bottle on the grass and tries to steady her body. Taking a deep breath she buries her hands in her coat pocket, closes her eyes, and lifts her face to the sky. She can hear the crowd celebrating cheerfully, the clinking of glass, Lou shifting in the bushes, the whistle then explosion of the fireworks. She watches how her eyelids go from black to red when the light from the fireworks dances in front of her closed eyes. She can smell the warm apple pies from the pie truck, the gunpowder from the fireworks, oakwood and leather. She can feel warm breath on her face and the unmistakable slide of Austin's strong arms wrapping around her waist, soft wet lips attaching themselves to her neck. 

10...

"I have been searching for you, lil mama." 

9...

Marli opens her eyes and lowers her head.

8...

Their eyes meet and Marli's heart shatters.

7...

"You are high," she says.

6...

"And you are drunk,"  he says.

5...

Marli takes her hands out of her pockets and slides them around Austin's shoulders. 

4...

"Will you save me?" he asks.

3...

"How can I save you when I need to be saved too?" she asks.

2...

"Then we will fall together then, lil mama."

1!

They can hear the crowd erupt in the distance. Singing and dancing and clapping. It's a celebration. It's a new start for so many - not for Marli though she remains trapped in Austin. She chooses to remain wrapped up in Austin. "I am in love with you," is what she wants to say but instead she only says, "Happy New Year, Austin." Austin captures her lips with his.

~

They travel back to the LA house alone, the others opting to move on to the next party. Taylor Swift's song, Exile, plays during the trip and Marli can't help but feel like the lyrics are a warning. Red flags that she shuts her eyes and ignores.

Once back at the house they don't turn on any lights, but Austin keeps a firm grip on her as if he is afraid she will float away if he lets go. He leads her back to his room, making her sit on the bed then helps her take her shoes off. She has had high-heeled boots on and her feet are painful so he rubs them for her. He looks up at her and she can see those cogs turning in his head. She wishes she could read his mind sometimes. He is a big man but right now while he is on his knees looking up at her like this he looks so small.

"Tell me what you are thinking, Austin."

He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut as if he is trying to dispel his thoughts. "If ever there were a person I wanted to keep clean for. It would be you, lil mama," he says. Marli's heart sinks, it's the closest she has come to a love declaration from him. But the word 'if' seems to ring louder than the rest of his words. Marli will take what she can get so she slides off the side of the bed till she is straddled on his lap and kisses him till her head is spinning.

"What are you running from?" she asks pulling back. But Austin just shakes his head. He looks broken. "You will hate me," he says. "I could never," Marli promises but Austin shakes his head. "My own mother hates me for what I have done. I hate myself for what I have done. I can live with judgment from the world...but from you? You will hate me and I can't live with that," Austin explains. "I wish I had the power to vanquish the monsters that torment you," Marli says. "And what if I am the bad guy in all this? What if I am the monster?" he asks. Marli frowns. That is impossible. Austin is a lot of things but a monster? Never. But even if he were it would change nothing. "If you are the bad guy...this monster, then my feelings would not change. I don't care. My feelings for you have no conditions. But...you are not a monster. No matter what you think you have done...a monster you will never be," Marli says then wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in close. He buries his face in her neck and then starts to cry softly. It's so soft that she only realizes it when her neck feels a little damp. Marli lets him be and waits patiently - she will be whatever he needs her to be. After a while, he stands them up and removes her clothing along with his own, and then tucks them into bed. She listens as his breathing evens out and his soft snores tickle the fine hairs on the back of her neck. She had been holding back tears since midnight knowing they would hurt and worry Austin when he saw them, but now tucked up in his arms as he slept she let them fall thick and hot onto the pillow under her head. She is losing him again and soon he will be drunk and high as he tries to hide from his rattling head. She so desperately wants to help him but she fears she will have to save him from himself and she has no idea how to do that.