Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 51

E

Eleanor,

It pains me to write this kind of letter. It physically hurts my heart knowing what is going to happen to me. I'm not afraid of dying, that's not it. I'm afraid of leaving you to fend for yourself. Please promise me that you will never ever stop fighting for yourself though.

I know that you have monsters in your life. Both mentally and in your everyday life. Everyone has their own demons they have to fight, but not many people have to live with theirs. You do. But, Ellie, you're so strong and you show that every single day that you are still living.

I want you to know how much I love you. Since day one, you have been a ray of sunshine in my life. Don't ever doubt that.

You were the kid every Mother prayed to have. You were beautiful and so so smart. Every morning I would come get you from your crib and your face would light up. I'm sure mine did too at the sight of you. You're a bundle of joy, Eleanor. Always have been.

I wish I could watch you graduate or get married or have children, but I can't and that's something we need to come to terms with. That might sound a bit harsh, but it's true. We just need to come to terms with all of this.

I would do just about anything for this to turn out some way different, but that's not in my hands anymore. For a while it was, but that opportunity is long gone.

Let me explain myself to you Ellie. I know you're mad at me and that's valid. I found out I was sick ten months ago. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't expect to be told that I was dying and I was dying fast.

I didn't want Chemo. I didn't want any of that. Maybe I should have fought to live, but you must understand that I was hardly surviving as is. The only regret I'll have is leaving you and Jackson, but there is nothing else I was living for. So, I didn't fight. I don't have any other excuse and I hope one day you can forgive me for that.

Now, Ellie, I know what's going to happen when I pass. You'll blame yourself.

Don't.

Don't even let yourself think that any of this is on your hands. It's on me, not you.

Plant a sunflower for me, know that I'll be right there with you the whole time.

I love you Ellie girl. So much. Go live the life you were meant to live. I better see you painting the most beautiful works of art somewhere big one day.

Fall in love with life again. Let yourself have that. You deserve that.

Take care of Jackson for me. He needs you.

Love,

Mom

I fold the small piece of paper and hold it to my chest. Her handwriting alone made a bundle of thick tears gather in my tear ducts. Hearing her voice in my head tell me that she loved me as I read her words made my heart break and swell at the same time. It's an overwhelming mix of emotions I'm not sure how to deal with.

I waited until everyone fell asleep. Niall was snoring lightly next to me, I even tapped his arm a few times to make sure he was out cold before getting up, grabbing the white envelope and opening the window to sit on the roof.

The air is cold, the streaks of wetness on my face feeling the wind a bit harsher than the rest of my body. I pull my sleeve over my hand, using it to wipe the hot streaks off of my face, probably irritating the skin on my cheeks.

I sit on the roof, looking up to the sky, seeing thousands of stars above me. The sky is clear despite it being rainy for most of the evening.

It's so quiet here.