A little love

Chapter 6

When Alec awoke to the mundane blue walls of his room, he wondered if he had somehow dreamt the last day. A quick glance around, eyes landing on a worried Izzy and Magnus, showed that this was not the case.

Alec was alarmed by the depth of the concern in their eyes. It had been a long time since he had a panic attack in front of anyone, let alone during a trial before the most important members of the institute.

With a silent groan, everything set in. the whole institute already knew he was the broken shadowhunter, and now they would see him as a pathetic coward who couldn't keep his composure.

He dreaded to think of what his parents would say to him when they caught him alone. Already their voices pierced his ears. 'Failure' they whispered, 'Useless' they taunted.

Izzy was the first to break the silence.

"Thank the angel you're awake, how are you feeling?" Alec felt a pinch of guilt at the question. She had been so stressed and now she had to deal with this too. His heart ached. Mutely he nodded, surprised by the glimmer of relief in her eyes.

"We were so worried! Before you ask, the trial is already over but Jace is talking to them. He thinks he can make sure they don't put Meliorn in... They don't do anything rash." Alec felt a wave of calm so powerful it made him lightheaded. He and Jace may have their arguments but he knew his parabatai would do his best.

Magnus, who had been scarcely more than a shadow in the room, suddenly drew forward.

"Alexander, are you sure you feel alright? I should have noticed sooner, I can't believe they did that to you." The warlock's voice broke slightly, and Alec took his hand without planning on moving.

Vaguely, Alec recalled the powerful grips that had taken him to the ground during his attack. His neck ached slightly, and he wondered whether it might leave bruises like last time.

The clave had never had much awareness of mental health issues. Growing up Alec had never even been aware that it was even a thing, it was kept silent if a shadowhunter had any lapse that might affect their work. To be ill, within an institute, was considered a sign of weakness.

As a result, there was no protocol in place for incidents like Alec, especially when he got into such a state that he was completely unaware of the world around him. When he had returned to the institute for the first time after his punishment, he had been so overwhelmed. It was then that they realized pinning him down prevented him from hurting anyone else.

If he hurt himself or got hurt during the restraining process, well that was his own business.

Since they realized, Alec did his best to avoid any situation that may lead to such an incident. He was so practiced that it had been over a year since the last one, and he felt choked by anger that he had broken his streak.

Rather than saying all this, Alec simply nodded to Magnus' question.

"I don't understand Alec, normally there are some warning signs when that is about to happen. Why didn't you let me know?" Izzy sounded heartbroken. Alec knew that she meant well with the question, normally the fear came on slowly unless it was from a dream.

Magnus' eyes were shaded, and with a jolt, Alec realized that the warlock was angry. The sudden change in emotion made Alec twitch, unused to seeing such passionate hatred in his beloved friend's eyes.

"Unless you didn't have the chance." Alec wondered whether Magnus had meant to speak, or if he was even fully aware that they were there. A cold bubble of mixed anxiety and hope curled in Alec's stomach.