vent with me

vent diary xx

Do you know the feeling when you are standing in a group of people after years of not socializing? you feel like a goat in a crowd of sheep, you dont know to act, what to say, you think everything you do or say is wrong. You feel left out, you feel different from the others. I am writing all this down because i dont know what to do, you probaly think i am cringe just because i want to let out all my emotions out of me, or you will understand me and you will listen to me and we will talk and listen to each other. i think we talk less about how we feel...now i understand what my grandma meant by: ,,the generation was better in the past''...well todays kids smoke and drink alcohol already at the age of 10, what is wrong with our generation. It is so sad to think about that but we cant change the past what we can change is the future.

I am sorry if my grammar is worse, english is not my first language... currently its 11:48 pm, i am sitting with my laptop on my lap, listening to sad playlist... what makes no sense, i am tring to make myself happy and two minutes later i grab sweets, listening to sad music and eat until i am happy, do you feel like that? if i could i would eat all the time, its the only thing that makes me happy...i starve myself with food to avoid my problems, i lie to people to cover my real me, i dont go outside anymore, i am not sure if the people who call theirselves my ,,friends'' are really my friends, i dont know myself anymore, who is renee? who am i really? i am not the person i was 10 years ago, i was a happy child , well i wasnt really happy but i cant change that now, if i could chnage my past then i would beg my father to stay with my mother, i would beg my mom not to go to that fucking camp where she got me at a young age, i would love to meet my family, know who they really are, who am i,  who do i belong to...sometimes i feel like i am sitting on an ice rock in the middle of the ocean, no land to see where i can feel safe from everything, sometimes i even just want to give up everything and run away, far away, iwant to run away from my anxienty, from my problems, i want to run away from everything. Once i had a good friend, we were like soulmates, we talked everyday, then i spoilt everything, the whole friendship fell down the river and the waves washed it away, i didnt want to talk to anyone, i sat in my room the whole day and secretly bought myself sweets and ate everything, i didnt know what to do, i feel like i am the problem, i break everything, i am like a monster, a bad person who acidentally hurts people, i dont know what to do...i really need help