The End Zone

Chapter 19

The words slip out like water. "What happened to us?" I whisper.

The answer crashes down on me before he can even answer. I fucked us up is what happened to us.

"I brought shitty people into your life and now we're both paying for it," he says, looking down.

My brows crease. That was not the answer I was expecting.

"None of that was your fault," I say.

"If I had been more careful about the people around me," he starts. "Or if I had been good enough that you could've come to me without worrying-"

"Stop," I say, shaking my head. "I don't blame you for any of it. So don't blame yourself."

He stares at me and I can still sense the guilt seeping in him. I want to brush it away.

"Have you been okay?" he says.

Honesty, Amelia.

"I have been," I say. "It's a little scary sometimes just because I know things could have gone worse if I wasn't..."

Lucky? Is that the right word to use? It doesn't feel like it.

"I'm so sorry, Amelia," he says.

"He's gone now," I say. "He's gone and I'm still here."

I'm still here and even if everything's a mess, I'm going on. I have an internship, friends, no family drama. I'm still here.

He stares at me. "If life was a person, I would beat the shit out of it for what it's done to you."

His tone is serious. Meticulous even. As if he's planning out every way he could possibly kick life in the ass.

"I wouldn't," I reply. "I used to want to. I used to think about all of the crappy things I've gone through and wonder why me? But then I realized there's so much more to be grateful for. Everything that's happened..." I swallow. "It all led me here."

Mustering up my courage, I let my eyes drift to his. They're somber and focused. Listening.

"You know, being with you," I start softly. "That was the first time I ever really wanted something. Even if it meant going against my parents." I breathe in. "When you told me you were moving to Louisiana in high school... I was so confused because I thought I wanted UPenn and my parents' approval more than anything. I knew logically that I was supposed to put myself first and go on without you but when you left-" My voice cuts off and when I speak again, it's frail. "It felt like my other half was leaving. And I knew I just couldn't be away from you. That I had to make it work even if that meant being selfish and letting you give up LSU if it meant being together."

His brows crease and I can see him starting to protest but I continue because I've never been able to tell him this before. When he was the most stable person I knew, I couldn't muster the courage, but now, in the dark where I can't even be certain he's still listening, it's all coming out.

"Even though we aren't together anymore," I say slowly, "I would make that same decision a million times."

"Are you glad that we broke up?" he asks. I can tell he's trying to keep his tone nonchalant.

"No," I say, trying to make my voice clear. "But I think it was necessary." I look down. "I was so afraid to need you. I break all the time and I didn't know if I could pick myself back up without you there. I had to know that I could." I shake my head. "But it hurt more than anything else I've ever done."

He tilts his head slightly. "So what do you wanna do about it?" he asks softly. Urging me.

I pause. "I know what I don't wanna do," I say. He raises an eyebrow and I match our gazes. "I know what I don't want to do, though." My gaze sets. Confident in spite of the fear churning in my stomach. "I don't want to do this thing where I pretend I want to move on from you."

There's a long pause and all I can think about is how I must have messed things up. I went too far. I'm contemplating moving to the floor when he whispers, "I should have never left you."

I feel my head bow and my breath catch. Which time he's referring to, I don't know. It feels like I'm going to start crying so I tuck my face into the sheets and focus on my breathing. Anger starts to creep in as my breathing slows. I lied here, baring my soul to him and that's all he's going to say?

I turn around ready to lash out or cry or I don't know but I can tell by his breathing that he's fallen asleep. All the tiredness hits me at once so I curl into a ball and let my eyelids droop.

I'm barely conscious as I let out, "Me neither."

A/N: hey y'all it's finals week & it's rough out here. good luck to all of u taking exams and good job to those of u who finished :) remember that ur grades don't define u and that rest & mental health is always more important (obviously this is much easier said than done but I truly mean it). love y'all so much and ty for reading <3