Rereading My Childhood: Goosebumps

A Night in Terror Tower

Vacation activities for me come in three varieties and none of them are particularly relaxing. I don't go on vacation to be pampered or sit and watch the sunset. I can do that at home. The first variety is the destination. I'm going to a specific place, like Universal Horror Nights or Disneyland, something I can't experience anywhere else. The second is the shopping trip. I don't have a k-pop store or an Ikea or a Daiso, so I drive out to Sacramento to shop (and visit relatives, I guess, but they aren't a store). The final variety is the educational experience. The museums. The historical sites. I'm here to learn something, dammit, and I'm going to learn, consarnit.

In Goosebumps: A Night in Terror Tower, siblings Sue and Eddie are on a tour through an ancient tower while on vacation in England. It's mildly educational, but the siblings are going to learn more about themselves than about portculli and barbicans.

Mr. Starkes, the tour guide for Terror Tower, is a goofy man with a sense of humor closer to Benny Hill than The Thick of It. Terror Tower is named after its previous resident, Sir Thomas Cargill Stuffordshire Tearor the IV. I'm kidding. It's just called Terror Tower for no actual reason. Prisoners spent the remainder of their lives in this dank castle, and that's pretty terror-inducing, but I guess these British people weren't very creative.

Anyway, this tower tour isn't the purely educational experience that Hawaiian-shirt-and-cargo-shorts-clad tourists expect.

I heard several gasps of surprise behind me. Turning back, I saw a large hooded man creep out of the entrance and sneak up behind Mr. Starkes. He wore an ancient-looking green tunic and carried an enormous battle-ax.

An executioner!

He raised the battle-ax behind Mr. Starkes.

"Does anyone here need a very fast haircut?" Mr. Starkes asked casually, without turning around. "This is the castle barber!"

We all laughed. The man in the green executioner's costume took a quick bow, then disappeared back into the building.

And that's it for him. Did you think the kids would be running away from the dude on the cover? Well, you'd be wrong. Do you think he's coming back? You'd still be wrong.

Anyway, the kids listen to Mr. Starkes's castle facts and they hear about two of the tower's residents: Princess Sussannah and Prince Edward of York. Just as our protagonists learn of the fates of the royals, Sue drops her camera and the kids can't hear what Mr. Starkes says.

Unfortunately, before they could ask for Mr. Starkes to repeat what he said, the tour moves on. Sue and Eddie get distracted, leaving the kids alone, separated from the rest of the group. Great crowd control there, Mr. Starkes. Remind me not to suggest you chaperone a class field trip.

Suddenly, a failed Las Vegas magician shows up, complete with a wide-brimmed hat and cape. He plays with white stones, threatens the kids, and never answers their questions. Questions like, "Who are you?" and "What do you want with us?"

As David Copperfield over here fiddles with his rocks, the kids run away and attempt to trap him. Each time they try something, the man laughs and says things like, "You can't escape me!" The kids end up in the sewers, where it seems they are cornered. Eddie attacks the man, stealing the special stones, and the kids run outside. They are out of the tower, but it's night time and the tour group has left them behind.

"Man? What man?" The night guard eyed us suspiciously.

'The man in the black cape!" I replied. "And the black hat. He chased us. In the Tower."