Emptyness

When you feel everything but nothing.

You're with your loved ones, friends, family.

As long as your with them you feel kind of happy, sometimes even a little bit annoyed.

But as soon as someone turns around, your emotions are all gone, as if they weren't even existing.

Like someone took them away.

Stole them.

And maybe, just maybe returned them back. But only for a period of time.

You can read books and hear music to slip in another world. In a world full of emotions and fantasy.

You try to watch funny videos , to feel something.

Anything.

At all.

Hopefully something different than this rare urge of crying your heart out for no reason.

Hopefully something different than this rare urge of crying with the problem of no Tears coming out.

But as soon as you watch a comfort video of your favorite Band your Tears can't stop rolling down your cheeks. Trying to run away from your Eyes. Their "home".

Silent.

Until no Tear is left you cry in silence. With the fear of someone hearing you and asking "Are you okay?".

The urge to tell them that you are okay but at the same time you're not.

The urge of telling them how you feel numb.

But how do you describe a person that you feel numb?

That you can't describe what you feel , what you what you think, what you want.

Just feeling they grey emptiness inside of your body.

As if you're a doll who can only be herself at special times.

Who only wakes up at 12am and goes back into her hard but weak self at 6am.

Doing specific things, hoping to do it right.

Loving and accepting yourself but at the same time judging the person you are.

People are over there telling you " You can tell me everything". But would they try to understand or would they wink it off like it's something that is gonna be gone until tomorrow?

Interesting how a Boyband can give you more comfort than the most people around you.

But again...would they understand?

And even if I would talk... about what?

What should I say?

All I could say is that I feel little to nothing. But I still answer with " Yeah I'm fine" or "Feeling good".

I enjoy the feeling of normal emotions like happiness. But to be honest... You need to feel sadness to know when you are truly happy.

Still.

The Emptyness is there. In my body.

As an Introvert, that's a little problem.

I personally don't really like people.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I don't have friends or that I can't go in public places. I can.

I just don't really like it.

The pressure of feeling the need to be perfect? No thank you.

And yes I know what Introvert actually means.

In short it means, that you wake up with ... for example 5 Coins.

The Coins represent your Social battery.

And with each Social activity you lose one coin until there's no Coin left.

You recharge them by staying alone for a little while.

I really like to stay alone in my room, laying in my bed, which is my safe place and read something.

If you read all that, you will probably think that I am a pretty sad person and should get some help.

I understand that.

If I read my text now after a view months I would understand if you would think like that.

But to be honest... I'm fine now.

Yeah sure I sometimes still feel the emptyness. But I actually don't really think that it will ever completely go away.

I walked in a room with the name Magic-Shop.

Maybe some of you will now it.

But I walked in and felt like I never wanna go out again. Not wanting to find the green or purple Exit-Door or Sign to signalize " There is the way out".

And even if I would see it.

I. would. Simply. Ignore. It.

The sudden feeling of Home .

Feeling the comfort of someone understanding.

They don't know I exist but that okay. That's fine.

They fill the empty space in me.

Make me happy.

Don't judge me.

And make me go on my path, without caring for others opinions about me, every day.

They help me trying my best and even if I fail, they don't judge me.Telling me that it's fine.

They encourage me.

Build me up.

Making me want to stand up for myself, so I don't keep layin on the ground without standing up.

People will probably not understand how that feels unless they've experienced it by themself.

But I made a decision for myself.

I am gonna stay.

In my Magic Shop.

Forever.

And if you want, you can come in too.

- Me

29.09.2021

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Sorry if there are any Grammatic mistakes.

I'm from Germany :)

And you?

I hope you had a really nice day .

And if you didn't then i hope it's gonna be a little better now.

Purple/Love you <3