MAGNETIC [H.S.]

31. rippin' my heart out

I had never considered that Harry might need help. Truly, not once in my entire life did I think to myself, "maybe he isn't okay." Standing there in his bathroom with his meds in my hand, I realized that while I had been villainizing Harry as long as I'd known him, maybe I didn't really know him at all. He took care of me for years, in the ways that he could, but who was taking care of him? His parents certainly weren't, and he was too busy keeping his friends okay all the time, there was no way they were caring for him... had we all just left him to fend for himself?

I swear I felt my heart break that day.

He wasn't perfect, there was a lot of hurt that he had caused me, but the thought of him needing help badly enough that he spoke to a doctor and got meds made me sick to my stomach. I'd watched him break bones and set them himself from a youtube video. Never once in the years that I'd known him had I ever convinced him to go to a doctor when he was sick. Never.

I set the pills back in the drawer, my vision was blurred as tears pooled in my eyes and threatened to spill down my cheeks. God, the way I felt about him made me feel insane. My mind was constantly at war between wanting to hate him or wanting to love him more than any human has ever loved another.

I washed my tears away with my makeup and tried to calm myself down, it had been a hard day. Louis would tell me to breathe. Louis would help me ground myself. When I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out through my mouth I heard a familiar song creep through the cracks around the door and settle in my ears.

"Moon River, wider than a mile..."

The warmth of Frank Ocean's voice sank straight to my chest. The first memory that came to mind was the first time I heard this version of this song, but immediately after it was the memory of my first time hearing the original song.
The first time I saw Harry's dimples.

I walked into our neighbor's house, I wasn't comfortable there yet. I didn't know the boys well at all so I stayed pretty hidden behind Liam as we made our way inside. The others weren't there yet, the house was quiet, that kind of quiet where you know that it's just a house and not a home. As we walked further inside we heard the faint sound of music and bright laughter. Laughter that felt like sunshine. Laughter that sounded like it could heal you.

We followed it until we wound up at the doorway of a small study. I remember the way my chest expanded when I saw him, like my heart needed extra room. He was so beautiful, laughing so freely and smiling so wide that both cheeks were dimpled.

He didn't notice us, he was sitting on the piano bench with an older man that we never saw again. I assumed it was some kind of instructor, Harry once mentioned when he was really drunk one night that he missed his piano lessons. Whoever he was, he told Harry to try again and that's when I heard 'Moon River' for the first time. He played it slowly, he wasn't the best singer by any means but I thought he sounded pretty good. I never got to hear him play the whole thing though, Liam knocked and ruined it.