I'm Sorry I Kept You Waiting (Emison Fanfiction)

Ch. 21 -"Emily will you..."

Alison's POV

Sunlight beamed in from a crack in the curtains and through to my eyelids, so all I could see was the blinding red light even though my eyes were closed. I moved my body to stretch when I discovered that I wasn't lying in my bed at my house, rather I was tangled in sheets and I wasn't alone either; I was wrapped deliciously in skin - smooth, tanned skin. It was unmistakably my mermaid lying next to me, under me. My body started to warm up all over and it wasn't from the sun. I hadn't realized that I was practically sleeping on top of Em, she just felt so safe and warm, like I always remembered her. My house may have been back in Rosewood, but my home would always be wherever Em was, she is my home now...and hopefully, one day, I would be hers.

I thought of moving, what if she wasn't comfortable? But I couldn't, I was paralyzed by her...not to mention sore. Everywhere. Her naked body was under my own, our legs tangled, her long, slender arms wrapped protectively around me, and my head was nestled against her chest. I could hear her heart beating, steady and soothing in my ear. I paid attention to the sound - like music to my ears - as my head rose and fell softly in tandem with her breathing. I would love nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up to that exact sound. I want to go to bed every night and wake up every morning for the rest of forever exactly this way. And I knew no one's heart beat quite like Em's did. Her heart pumped warm blood through her veins. It continuously pumped love and courage and everything that made Em the best person God could have ever graced to the world with. She had the most caring - and forgiving - heart anyone could know. Her heart was what forgave me, gave me another chance. No matter what, I would always owe her for letting me in, time and time again, regardless of how many times I had tried to slam the door. I knew I had taken advantage of her, even when I knew how she had felt about me. I was too much of a coward to ever admit my feelings for her and she was the one who had to suffer for it. I could never take back those times, but if I could, if. Only if.

I hate that stupid little word. If, if, if. If this, then maybe that...if, if, if! It was a small word, two stupid letters but combine it with 'what' and those two words have the power to haunt me, to haunt anyone, really. What if I had told Emily how I felt that very first summer? What if I wasn't so wrapped up in holding up a reputation that was starting to mean nothing to me? What if Em and I did get together back then but by now we realized we couldn't work and it jeopardized our friendship? I hate 'what if'! What if Em never took me back? What if I was the one who loved her and she didn't love me back? What if this, us, right now, never worked and she moved on? I couldn't imagine all the haunting what if's right now. They started to float in my mind, and sink into my chest. The hope I had for the two of us was waning.

What ifs could be good too, I guess. I'd like to think of those instead. Like what if this did work? What if Em learned to love me back like all those years before? What if we stayed together for a long time, maybe even forever? The sinking feeling in my chest started to lighten and I could feel my mouth curl up into a faint smile as my what if's took on a happier transformation. What if I finally proved to Em that I loved her, I was in love with her, and I would always love her? What if we finally took that trip to Paris together? What ifs had a tricky dynamic to them and I was terrified to find the answers, if there were any, to any of the what ifs. Again, my mind was on a rollercoaster constantly flipping me over, under and sideways about my feelings and if I had it in me to ever be good enough for Em. I was exhausting for me to try and keep convincing myself that I could be.

Before I could let my mind wander any further into convincing me that I still don't and never will deserve her love, I lifted my head and looked at her beautiful face as she slept. She was absolutely breathtaking. It was as if her beauty radiated out from inside and shone through her skin. She was more beautiful than words could ever describe, and even more so because she didn't know it. Emily Fields had power beyond her grasp and if she used it, she would be unstoppable. I hate that she lets her insecurities get her way. I guess part of that would be my fault. I really was a terrible person, so how did I get so lucky as to wake up right here, with Em? In that instant, I made myself another promise (with those damned if's) that if this ever worked, if somehow I had finally found a way to convince Em that I loved her, love her and am in love with her, unconditionally, then I would spend the rest of the days and nights that we had together convincing her of her beauty and strength: things that I would tear apart from her to mask any true feelings I had towards her. I had a lot of making up to do. There are so many wrongs that I have to right.