I feel a funny ache in my chest and a burning sensation around my neck; as though hands of fire are wrapped around, gripping hard in an attempt to strangle me. As I drive down an otherwise busy road that was surprisingly traffic free today, I felt tears roll down my cheek.
It's always hard when a relationship ends; only this time I could resonate with the saying- 'when the heart breaks, it shatters'.
Interesting, I wondered, the world we live in is full of people who are a hundred percent dedicated to hiding their true selves. They put on a superior quality mask that fits the contour of their face perfectly and speak exactly the sweet-nothings that others want to hear. Where then did I learn to feel as unguarded as I feel right now?.
Before I realise, I've reached home. I park my car and run to my bedroom evading everyone around me. As soon as I shut the bedroom door, my legs give way and I fall on my bed. I feel the grip of the burning hands grow tighter around my neck. Tears continue to flow with increasing intensity as though in a failed attempt to put out the fire scalding my neck. As I give into the embrace of my emotions, my brain begins to playback the memories.
.
The day I met Arpita, I knew I was going to fall in love with her. She was wild, free and full of ideas for the world. Soon enough, I did. She brought out a side to me that I never knew existed- passionate and daring in pursuit of love. I did everything I could to make her happy and feel loved. Only to realise many years later that I fell in love with someone who wasn't what she pretended so effortlessly to be. With each passing day, I saw the mask peel off of her face.
"Our love is strong enough to make it through this", I thought.
How naive of me; for therein lie my biggest mistake - "OUR". Was there an 'our' ? Or was it "me" and "you" and many unfortunate circumstances?
.
My stream of thoughts came to an abrupt halt when my phone started ringing next to me. I cleared my throat and wiped my tears and looked at the screen. It was my friend, probably calling to check in on me. After debating with myself for what felt like eternity, I decided to answer it. He asked me how I'm holding up and we talked for sometime. I felt the grip of the burning hands loosen around my neck and the tears reduce in intensity. We spoke for a while and agreed that things happen for a reason before we hung up.
"What could be the reason for it to end when I did everything I could to make it work? " I thought as I put down my phone; and with that thought, I felt myself drifting into sleep.
.
The past week has been hard.
It's one thing to accept that someone you once planned your future with is no longer in your life and a whole other thing to accept that the woman I fell in love with wasn't who I thought she was. But if time has taught me one thing, it is that difficult times are often blessings in disguise. They show you that you are made of sterner stuff. So with a heavy heart, I decide that my priorities here on will be my family, friends and work.
Like every other millennial lad who was freshly heartbroken and made aware of the complexities of life, I tried to fill up the void by meeting other women. People did say there were plenty of fish in the sea afterall.
"What do you do?" I asked this girl who started texting me more frequently than usual, in an attempt to make small talk. "I watch and make tiktoks" she said, feeling rather proud of herself.
Sigh.
Unfortunately for me, these women seemed either too interested in the success of my pub or superficial in their approach towards life- both unacceptable to me.
There are two irrational fears that come with loving someone- the fear of losing them and the fear of never finding what you had with them again. They sit like puppeteers on your head and pull at strings that make you say and do things you never thought you would.
That got me second guessing everything.
As work got busier, I found myself losing interest in finding someone altogether- until one saturday night.
