The Deep Oneshots Part 1

Incorrect quotes

Fontaine: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Alpheus: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY F*CKING HOUSE!!!

Finn: I am 39 cheetos tall.
Alpheus : Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Finn: Because we're out of doritos

Fontaine: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Alpheus: You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.
Fontaine: You don't have to wear...
Alpheus: No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Alpheus: You've got to learn to love yourself.
Fontaine : But don't you hate yourself.
Alpheus: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Alpheus: Maddy ! Have you no dignity?
Madiline : Of course not! How long have we known eachother?

Finn: I'm genuinely surprised you haven't gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.
Alpheus : Nat 20 Charmisma.
Finn: That is NOT how that works-

Alana to Alpheus aster he broke onto the dark orcA: How the hell are you still alive?
Alpheus: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.

Alpheus while holding Lumurian artefacts: This is a very powerful artifact. You'd be messing with some forces we don't fully understand.
Finn: That sounds like a dare to me.
Alpheus : Oh my god.

Alpheus : *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Finn : What did you do?!
Alpheus : NOBODY DIED!
Finn : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Alpheus: Madiline...
Madiline : Oh no, 'Madiline in B flat.
Madiline: You're disappointed.

Ant : Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Fontaine: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Fontaine's, dramatically: They called me a fool.
Alpheus, sick of Fontaine's sh*t: They weren't wrong.

Finn: Alpheus, Madiline, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
Alpheus: try to take over the world.
Finn: And what did you do?
Madiline: try to take over the world.

Maddy: Fight me!
Alpheus , standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

Aria , talking about Fontaine: Is this a friend of yours, Alpheus?
Alpheus: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

Madline : Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
Jess: I think you mean cards.
Finn: They did not.
Maddy , pulling out knives: I did not

Alpheus I'm bored.
Maddy: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Alpheus: Sure!
Fontaine , hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Dolos down!!

Ant: *standing in Fontaine's bedroom and sneezes*
Alpheus: *hidingin the closet* Bless you.
Ant: God?!

Alpheus : Do you love Fontaine ?
Finn: Yeah, I do.
Alpheus : Jess! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
Jess: We all love Fontaine . You should've asked if they were IN love with them.
Finn: I thought that was implied.
Jess: ...
Alpheus : ...
Finn, looking straight at Jess: Congrats Alpheus , you just won 100 bucks.