Indecisive (Loki Laufeyson x Bucky Barnes x Reader)

CHAPTER 27

Chills made their way from my shoulders and down my back. I shivered, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Why did you leave me?" I asked to the sky as if the god of mischief himself would answer.

I don't know what had come over me for that to be the first question I ask aloud.

"Why did you leave me alone?" I whispered silently to myself as tears fell down my cheeks. There was an emptiness in my chest. A feeling of so much loss and hurt.

I pressed a hand to my heart, moving it in circles hoping to ease the pain that began to grow.

Loss was something that no one could ever describe accurately because it was so different for everyone. But if I could describe my pain to someone I would tell them that it's as though there is a small golden orb in your chest.

An orb that holds all the most important people and memories inside, but when someone leaves or that memory doesn't bring you the same joy and life that it once did, it's as though someone is taking a hammer and chipping away at that orb and every piece of glass that falls, tears a hole in your heart.

My heart feels empty. I feel empty, because I'm hurting, because every time I think of him I want to die inside, every time I think of them and the life
I could of had I feel like I'm drowning. Each cut hurts and I don't know how to make it better.

It's as if I'm fumbling with the needle and thread in my hands, fingers shaking because I want to sew myself back together, but I can't.

I don't know how.

"I can't even begin to describe what we had." I laughed a little, tears still streaming down my face as a sob broke free, "But we had something from the moment we met. From the moment I bumped into you in the hall, and from the moment you told me off.

We had something that went deeper then just friends, or at least we were starting to grow something together. Every time I think of you I want to die because I have lost everyone I love and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm fading away, becoming this— this hollow body that just walks and talks and does normal things, acts like everything is fine because what else am I supposed to do." I could barely get the words out now.

My silent tears had now turned into sobs, a cry for help to the one person who couldn't help me. 

"I can't do this anymore." I whispered, my hands pushing my hair out of my face, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE." I clawed at my chest.

"MAKE IT STOP." I sobbed, "Make it stop... It hurts so much." I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my forehead against my knee cap.

I sat there until my muscles ached and until that small glowing light of hope inside me snuffed out.

I released my knees and sat back in a cross legged position.

A wave of guilt passed through me.

I'm a horrible person.

There is someone sitting in your bed giving you everything he has after everything he's been through and you just get up and leave?

There were my thoughts. Oh how I missed them.

But then there was that voice that seemed to make an appearance every once and a while.

It is not your fault. You are grieving and there is no time limit for that.

I flipped between what I should do now. Go back or stay for a little while longer and just sit in the quietness. I didn't think I could move so I opted for the latter.