Une Fleure Fanée

Week 14 Part 2 (Monday)

     I feel a sharp sting in my arm, and I yelp at the sting. Did somebody pinch me? Gradually, over the next few seconds, I start to feel tired, and I slowly start to give up, and so do they. I slowly close my eyes and fall asleep.

     When I wake up, my hands are tied to the rails with zip ties. I tug, but I'm too weak to try to escape anyway. The feeding tube is back in. Great. I start to cry again, succumbing to my fate here.

     "Lilly?" I hear someone whisper at the foot of my bed.

~~~~~

     I'm woken up by Mom again. Eyes damp with tears, skin itchy. I must have had one of these. My breath seems to almost stop working and tears are streaming down my face. Waves of panic wash down my body.

     Didn't I have this same nightmare a couple of weeks ago? It doesn't matter. I feel so dizzy, I feel like passing out. Mom gets me some water and tries to help me calm down. I can't though. Everything's so blurry, and I feel like I'm dying. I can barely breathe. I'm going to die.

     Tears are still streaming down my face, and Mom keeps making me drink water. My chest hurts so much. I feel like I'm dying. I look around my room and try to focus on five things. The photos of my family and friends, my desk, the cup of water. Slowly, over like, an hour, things deescalate in my brain.

     I look at the clock. One in the morning. Now my near nonexistent sleeping schedule is ruined. Mom says goodnight to me. I look at my cuts. I must have forgotten to bandage them. How did Mom not notice? It must be that dark.

~~~~~

     Wait, did I fall asleep? I must have because now my alarm is going off. Ugh. I stagger to my dresser and put on a LuLuLemon crop top, and black leggings. I put on a red ALDC hoodie on top of it. I pack my tights, ballet shoes, and black leotard in case we have ballet and my water bottle and move to the bathroom.

     Alright, time to cover up my cuts. They don't look too bad because I haven't cut in two days, soon to be three. The tingle in my wrists is so intense, it makes me want to cry. The razor is right there. But I have a dance class in an hour and a half.

     I do a quick foundation and blush and then move on to my cuts. They're not faded in the slightest, but they're not red and pink. Almost all of them are white, but it still takes just as long to cover them up.

     I put my hair in a tight elastic and then the teal scrunchie Mom got me yesterday. Now it's time to take my medicine. Fluoxetine, Cymbalta, and iron pills. Oh my god, it tastes awful. I choke it back up and I try again.

     After about five more times, I get Mom to help me. I feel like an eight-year-old again, taking my first pills. Today is a 0 calorie day, and Mom gives me a butter pecan Ensure. I grab my dance things, my water bottle, and my phone.

     "We're riding with Gia today," Mom says, texting me my schedule.

     As I await Mom's text, I notice Elliana has been removed from the group chat. Just another reminder of what we lost. And what I can't tell. I suddenly get the text from Mom. Tap from seven to eight. A good thing to wake us up. School from eight to nine, and then jazz from nine to ten. I get in the elevator and keep reading.

     Legs and feet from ten to eleven. Ugh, the worst hour of the week, I guess. Then school from eleven to twelve. Acro from twelve to one. Yes. School and lunch from one to two, lyrical from two to three, and to end, contemporary from three to four.

     That means I didn't need to pack my leotard. What a relief. Too bad I probably won't be able to wear my hoodie though. Without your hoodie, Lilliana, you are nothing. You're an awful dancer when you're uncovered.