Chasing Ghosts | Natasha Romanoff

Chapter 45: This Is Me Trying

"I don't know what the truth is anymore." Katya teared up, shaking her head best she could lying down. "I can't tell."

Natasha felt so bad for her. "You can feel it. Don't listen to your head. Your gut feeling is a bit off its tracks right now, but you have always been able to sense it perfectly." She cocked her head, an idea popping in her head. "How about I am your filter now? I can tell you what is real or not. All you have to do is ask."

Katya's eyes shot to her face. That idea was appealing, and she was willing to give it a try. Anything to figure out what were lies.

"Do I annoy you?" She dove right into it, like an interrogation, and Natasha sat up straighter, prepared to answer everything truthfully.

"No. Never."

"Are you mad I ruined this week?"

Natasha shook her head. "I'm sad this week didn't turn out like we wanted it to, but I am not mad at you. I am more mad at Yelena for not being more strategical about it."

She liked this, playing open book. It was better to get everything out there than leaving things unspoken.

"Do you still love me?"

Easy. "Always."

Although it hurt her to think Katya would have expected another answer. Making one mistake and collapsing mentally would not make her love her any less.

"This guilt... Am I right to feel it?"

"No. Nothing that was done to me or you or Lena was ever your fault. You didn't know.''

Katya chewed on her lip, hesitating. "Do you see me differently?"

Natasha stopped herself from shifting in her spot. Even like this, Katya would be able to see she was uneasy. "What do you mean?" She played dumb.

"You know what I mean."

Shit. How was she going to word this without making it sound like the answer was yes? "I had to process it a bit in the beginning. But I have never had any doubts about my love for you, or who you are. You've always been just my wife to me. Nothing less." Shuffling closer, she felt the need to add, "But I haven't thought about it for years. Not until you brought it up days ago."

Katya stared at her, narrowing her eyes, not sure if this was the truth or not. But hadn't Natasha said she wouldn't lie? So, she forced herself to believe it.

"Am I causing you pain?" The interrogation continued. The easy questions had long passed, and the topics started to hit bullseye now.

"Kat..." Natasha did not want to answer this question. Because the answer was yes.

"Am I?"

She hung her shoulders, sighing quietly. "It hurts to see you like this, yes. But you're not choosing this. It's outside of your power. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. It's not your fault."

She rambled, trying to explain. But she had a feeling Katya would only notice that three-letter word. Yes.

Expectantly, she watched her, but nothing followed. No visible or audible reaction.

"Do you have more questions?"

Katya's gaze drifted off. "Not now."

"Okay. Let me know if you do." Katya nodded, but Natasha could see it hadn't helped a lot. Didn't have to, though. If it helped a tiny bit, that was enough. "Now, can I help you with your aching body? How about a bath again? Maybe warmth helps relax your muscles?"