Behind the Barriers

10

"Other people will think of it as kindness, Euresah. I am just being kind. Bakit? Ayaw mo ba akong maging mabait?"

"Pero bakit nga?"

He sighed and faced me; his lips formed a small smile. "Dahil wala lang. And I thought we are friends because we are both casual already. Are we friends?"

Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa tanong niya.

It has been so long since someone asked me to be friends. The last time I recall, 'yung bata pa ako nang may lumapit na kalarong babae. It was asking for consent. And it felt... good. As if he was trying to ask for permission to pass the barriers.

I know things like those happen naturally. Ngunit sa kaso ko, mas mahirap na makipagkaibigan sa iba. Palagi kong iniisip na baka aawayin o gagamitin lang ako nila.

But as I stared at CJ's sleepy eyes, I saw how sincere he was. And it's funny because deep in myself, I trust him with all my heart.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "Yeah, we're friends."

"Edi wala ng problema kung ganon."

Umirap ako at nag-iwas na ng tingin. Nanatili kami roon ng ilang minuto. Nag-usap din kami tungkol sa problema ni Kuya Seb sa lupa sa Rizal. I had no work after, so I decided to stay for a bit when he bid his goodbye.

"Sana 'di mo maisipang tumalon dito," sabi pa niya. "Mas mataas 'to kaysa sa law firm."

Mahina akong natawa. "Whatever."

Pagkatapos niya akong iwan, nagpakawala ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga. My mind wandered to my question earlier.

He did not answer if he likes me or not.

Gusto ko mang matawa sa sariling kahibangan, hindi ko maiwasang mag-alala kasi alam ko na kung bakit sobrang importante ng tanong na 'yun sa 'kin.

Days turned to weeks but I was still distracted. Kahit mas madalas na ako sa studio upang mag-pole dancing ay hindi 'yun nakatulong sa 'kin. Kaya naman nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang tinawagan ako ng therapist ko para sa aming monthly session.

Hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap ni Greg. Iniiwasan niya rin ako at sobrang pormal na ng pakikitungo niya sa 'kin. I did not mind... No, I mind.

Namiss ko 'yung dating Greg. Iyong tackles at palatawang Greg.

"Ihahatid ko po ba kayo?" pormal niyang tanong sa akin habang hindi tumitingin sa mga mata ko.

"No, I can drive myself."

He nodded and went outside. Bumuntong-hininga na lang ako at inihanda na ang sarili para pumunta sa therapist.

Just by walking towards the hallway of the clinic, my sanity is coming back. This is the only place I can be vulnerable. This is the only place I can break down my barriers. This is the place where it's okay to be weak.

"Good afternoon, Euresah," ani Doktora Ruiz, ang therapist ko ng ilang taon nang pumasok ako sa office niya.

"Good afternoon, po." I gave her a small smile.

I closed the door and went towards the familiar couch I used to sit whenever I was here. Ugh, saan ba sila nakabili ng mga ganito ka-kumportableng couch? I badly want one.

"Have you eaten?" she asked. "May baked cookies akong dala mula sa baking session ko kagabi. Masyado akong nadala kaya naparami na ako."

I nodded. "If that's okay."

"Of course," aniya at kinuha iyon.

Doc also poured some tea for the both of us. Sa simula, pawang nagkukumustahan lang kami at kumakain ng cookies niya (na sobrang sarap). Until I told her about the recent happenings. Then, my tears started to fall.

Hindi ko alam kung may naintindihan ba siya kasi sinasabi ko na lang kung ano ang gusto kong sabihin. From the reunion, si Charlotte, the fight with my parents and Greg... si CJ. I told her everything; unloading the baggage in my heart.

I cried and cried. I knew I was now so ugly and vulnerable, but that was the least of my concern.

My head was aching, and so was my heart. Pero hinayaan kong masaktan. Hinayaan kong ibaba muna ang mga harang na ginawa ko para sa sarili.

I was still a wreck. I was still lost.

"Do you need water?" mahinahong tanong ni Doc pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kanya lahat.

I nodded. Tumayo siya para kumuha ng tubig. Kinuha ko rin ang panyo upang punasan ang mga luha sa mukha.

"Here you go," aniya at binigay sa akin ang kanyang tumbler.

"Salamat," I said and drank it.

She smiled. "That's great, Euresah. You are finally opening up to people. This CJ... he would be a great friend."

I scoffed. "You think so? Considering that I have a small crush on him?"

Tumango siya. "Oo, naman. It's just the same. And about your parents, you just need to talk to them about it. Pero kapag hindi ka pa handa, huwag mo munang pilitin ang sarili mo, okay? Hindi nila alam ang pinagdaanan mo noon. Panigurado ay magugulat din sila."

I nodded even if I'm not sure to tell them about it.

"And for Greg, I admit you have been rude."

Yumuko ako, lalo at nakaramdam ng malaking konsensya. She was true. I lashed out at him. Siya na nga lang ang itinuring kong kaibigan...

"But this... thing you have in the academia... bago sa akin 'to."

Napalunok ako. "Kinalimutan ko, po. Pinili kong hindi na lang sabihin sa inyo kasi... parang imposible."

"It will be possible if you overcome your traumas, Euresah."

Nagtagal pa ako roon hanggang sa dumilim na ang paligid. She gave me medications for my anxiety. She also told me some advices whenever I feel my anger getting into me. Nagpaalam na rin ako nang kumalma na.

Pero huminto na muna ako nang makalabas para mag-ayos. Namamaga ang mga mata ko sa pag-iyak. Kahit tabunan ko ito ng make up ay halata pa rin. Kaya naman hinayaan ko na lang ito at nagtungo na sa elevator.

But I halted when I saw CJ!

Sabay kaming natigilan sa paglalakad nang magkatinginan sa mata. Nakasuot siya ng simpleng puting t-shirt sa ilalim ng kanyang itim na hoodie at pantalon.

He was also surprised to see me. I quickly fixed some strands of my bangs; trying to hide my swollen eyes.

"A-Anong ginagawa mo rito?" tanong ko.

I was not really in a proper state. Kakagaling ko lang sa isang emotional session, tapos sobrang namamaga ang mukha ko.

Kumurap-kurap siya at kinamot nang marahan ang batok. "Bakit mo natanong? You'll accuse me of stalking again?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Hanggang sa maalala iyong sinabi ko sa rooftop. Imbis na magalit ay mahina akong natawa. CJ's eyes went to my lips kaya natigilan ako.

His eyes went back to mine with a confused face. He even tilted his head.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yup." I cheekily smiled.

"You seem... weird."

I scoffed. "Am I?"

Nahinto kami nang magbukas ang elevator. Sabay kaming pumasok sa loob. I saw his reflection.

Anong ginagawa niya rito? This building is occupied with therapists in their respective offices. Hindi kaya...

Lumingon ako sa kanya at nagtaas ng kilay. Napansin niya iyon.

"Bakit?" he asked.

I pursed my lips, willing to ask him if he's here for a session also. Pero kung itatanong ko iyon, ay baka magtanong din siya sa 'kin kaya hindi ko na lang itinuloy. Instead, I asked a very different thing.

"Do you want to have dinner with me?"

CJ blinked a few times. "Okay?"

I smiled and looked at the front. "Okay."

Napansin ko pa rin na nakatingin siya sa 'kin hanggang sa magbukas na ang elevator.