Saudade

Ch.4-Holding On-

Leaving my blade in the bathroom I leave my room and head for the small training room they built in the lower level. Maybe punching some stuff will help me figure out why I feel like this.

The punching bag swings back from the impact of my multiple blows. I'm sweating again and the rush is finally helping distract me from my thoughts. But what are my thoughts?

Thanos?

Punch.

Is Valerie safe?

Punch.

Will I ever see her again?

Kick. Punch.

Is Thor alive?

Punch. Kick. Punch.

He has to be alive.

Punch. Punch.

Loki was so distraught, what if Thor really isn't okay?

Kick. Punch.

And if Thor's dead and we win, will Loki leave?

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Will that be it? He'll leave with his family and we'll never see each other again?

Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch.

But what if we lose? What if Thanos kills half of humanity?

Punch. Punch.

What if we are all killed and Valerie is left alone?

Punch.

What if I lose my friends and my little girl then I have to live without them?

Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch.

What if Loki dies? He'll leave his family without a father.

Punch.

Loki's a father.

Punch.

He's married.

Punch. Punch.

He has a family, a life and it's only been three years.

Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

Strong arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me back into a firm chest, away from the punching bag I've somehow managed to split open. I don't have the strength to fight them as tears stream down my face, blurring my vision. When did I start crying? I let the person hold me to their chest and my arms go limp at my sides.

"It's okay, It's okay," Pietro's voice says behind me. So that's who's holding me. "Shh, shhh." I let out a strangled sob and he holds me closer to him. My legs give out beneath me but Pietro holds me and slowly lowers us to the ground. I try to speak, to tell him why I'm having a fucking breakdown as I'm boxing but only half words make it out. I'm just blubbering and I don't have the energy to care. I simply lay back into Pietro as he holds me on the floor, sobbing into his shoulder.

After a while, I've practically almost cried myself to sleep in his arms. I feel him lift me off the ground and speed to my room, laying me on the bed. I slowly sit up, rubbing my eyes. Pietro is looking at me with sympathy, he knows why I'm such a fucking mess.

"God, Pietro, I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of everything and I got overwhelmed and emotional. I didn't even realize I was crying," I muse, managing a forced laugh. Pietro doesn't laugh, he just looks at me with a knowing expression. My face smile fades and my eyes start to water again. "Is it wrong to be mad that he moved on so fast? Is it wrong of me to feel betrayed? That could have been us," I say, gesturing out my closed door. "We were so...close. We almost had a family. Do-do you think he moved on so fast because he found someone that could do what I couldn't for him? Do you think it's because I couldn't give him a family and he resented me for sending him away so he found the next available option?" I'm full-on sobbing, my body is shaking with my breaths and I wrap my arms around my middle, holding myself. Pietro's hands force me to look at him and he wipes the tears off my cheeks. He sighs.

"I don't know. But I do know you are overthinking like you always do. You're coming to conclusions without knowing all the facts. And no it's not wrong of you to feel that, to be honest, I'm a little pissed at him too. Look at all the hurt he's causing you," I let out another sob, wiping my own face and straightening my back.

"Thanks, Pietro. I um...I should go take a shower, I'm pretty gross," I utter. Pietro begrudgingly lets me up and makes his way to the door.

"You're strong princess." Pietro leaves my room, carefully closing the door behind him. I let out a breath a didn't know I was holding and stepped into my bathroom, undressing and stepping into the steaming hot shower.

I get out 30 minutes later wrapped in a towel, wringing out my hair. I change into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and slip on a sports bra followed by a loose tank top that has my now fully formed Valkyrie symbol on display.

I walk into the kitchen and look over the counter to see Loki sitting on the floor with his family, playing with his two boys. He's showing them illusions with his magic and creating little nights on horses they can play with. The scene makes my heart melt but is soon followed by a wave of jealousy. Loki looks up, catching me watching them.

"Sigrun, come join us," Loki says. Sigyn looks up at me from her spot next to Vali with a smile.

"Oh no, I wouldn't want to intrude," I respond.

"Nonsense, this is what you told me to do after all," Loki responds. My eyebrows draw together.

"I told you to spend time with your family," I counter. Loki gives me a cheeky look, the exact one I've missed so much these past three years and I practically swoon.

"No, you told me to spend time with the people who make me happy, that includes you," Loki answers. My cheeks light up and there is no doubt Loki noticed. I clear my throat and smile defeatedly as I walk around the counter and sit down a few feet from Loki, right behind Narfi. The little boy looks back at me, he looks a bit startled so I quickly hold my hand out to him, palm up. He looks curiously at it before timidly reaching his small hand out and grabbing one of my fingers tightly. He uses my finger to pull himself to a standing position and waddles into my lap, plopping down and grabbing at my sweatpants. I mindlessly play my fingers through his red hair. I look up for a second to see Sigyn looking at her son with love. Loki's eyes meet mine and they are filled with meaning, intention...adoration. I look away quickly and gently place Narfi back on the ground and abruptly stand up.

"Excuse me," I say, turning around and walking down the hallway.

*****

*Author's Note*-Uh oh... Drama! I know you guys were waiting for a heart to heart so here it is. Please vote for more and comments are always appreciated. <3RJ