Luke's Diary

It Happened. It Happened? It Happened!

[Immediately following:
'Part 7: Make it Up to You' in 'Alex & Luke']

March '95

Wait wait wait did that actually happen? Did me and Alex actually... like ACTUALLY... did we just kiss? Like did we just KISS? No, I have to be making this up. It had to have been another dream. That couldn't have been real, right? It felt way too good to be real. There is no way that JUST HAPPENED!

But... it did? It happened. It happened? YEA, IT HAPPENED!

I mean, if you told me that that was gonna happen hours ago I never would've believed you.

Like, I know we kinda sorta almost kissed when we were sitting on his bed before we left his room to go to the studio, but like... NO WAY would I have thought THAT would be how my night ended!

There we were, sitting on the beach, watching the sunset on the water. I asked Alex how he got over me when he had his crush because I figured oh now that I have feelings for him I'm gonna have to get over them like he did a while back with me. But then...

Alex started to ramble on and on about how maybe he DIDN'T get rid of the feelings he had for me. And... hearing that felt like a flare was lit inside of my chest. He was just word vomiting about how he doesn't want this to be a big deal because he knows liking guys is new for me and how I don't like him back and blah blah blah. But like, how could he think that when I obviously almost leaned in to maybe kiss him just this afternoon? I mean, we came so close I could smell the peppermint on his breath.

He was going on and on and the whole time I was looking at his lips and waiting for him to just stop talking so that I could finally give him the kiss I'd been wanting to since last night. Next thing I knew, I was doing just that.

He was saying how I could just tell him that I didn't have feelings for him and he'd understand but, like, that's wrong! So I cut him off, told him to shut up, and grabbed his face and kissed him.

AND HE KISSED ME BACK! LIKE... LIKE HE MADE SURE THAT HE WAS READING THE SITUATION RIGHT AND THEN KISSED ME BACK! He was so surprised when I did it he didn't move for the first few seconds. He asked me if I really did like him and all I could do was nod my head breathlessly from the kiss. Then HE held onto my arms and KISSED ME! Oh my... he kissed me he really did. And I couldn't help but pull him in closer.

Oh my god his lips were so soft and the peppermint from earlier was still on his breath. And his smile. The smile on his face when he realized what I was letting him know. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of us and... it just felt so freeing and nice and amazing and ugh I don't even have enough words to describe it all. I hate to be this mushy and gross but it's all I can think about.

The way I grabbed him and kissed him because I couldn't wait any longer. The way he kissed me back after it all hit him that I DID like him back that way. How there was no one around us so we fell back onto the sand and started laughing as we were kissing. How I was leaning over him and stopping in between kisses to catch moments of looking into his eyes or at his smile or to listen to the white noise of the ocean waves.

I'm so glad I went over earlier and broke him out of his room. None of this would be happening if I didn't go and check on him. I wouldn't be feeling this if I didn't decide to climb the tree and catch him as he was climbing back down with me. I still can't believe that really happened.

I noticed it at some point while I was kissing him, he was wearing the same pink t-shirt that he was when I first met him on the first day of school years back. I never forgot it. I think that's my favorite shirt of his... It clearly brings me good luck.

This... this night is all I can think about. And I don't even know how to get it all into words. I'm just so overwhelmed that we actually kissed. I mean I didn't think that would ever really happen, y'know? I figured in a month or whatever I would've forced these feelings to pass and that'd be it. I thought it would all just stay in my dreams. But it's REAL. How do I put this feeling into words?

I know. It won't go to the band at all and I won't show the boys...it'll be mine. Mine and his.

I'm gonna write Alex a song.