Luke's Diary

Getting Some Answers

[Immediately following:
'Part 3: One Last Question' in 'Alex & Luke']

February '95

Last night I finally talked to Alex about everything. It was a little awkward at first but it all ended up really good. Almost freeing? He even confessed something to me, too, but we'll get to that part. Here is how it all kinda went down:

Last night after Bobby left for another date, Alex, Reggie, and I ended up staying in the garage WAAAY late. Reggie eventually fell asleep on the couch and I was gonna take that as my time to leave but when I watched Alex head towards the loft, I realized that it was my chance. I almost backed out when I thought Reggie was waking up, but Alex didn't let me.

We went up to the loft together so that we could talk and hopefully not wake Reggie. Alex called me out for acting differently around him than usual. Guess he did notice. He told me it wasn't in a bad way but I still felt kind of guilty.

After a bit of stumbling over my words out of fear that I would say something wrong, I finally asked Alex how he knew that he's gay. He told me that he was questioning how he felt for a long time but eventually he figured it out while trying to flirt with the girls in the crowds after our gigs. He said that going out with a girl gave him a sinking feeling and he knew that it just wasn't for him.

In an unexpected turn of events, this is where the "confession" part comes in. (I promised him I wouldn't tell Reggie or Bobby about this) Alex told me that while watching me talk to girls after gigs, he accidentally developed a crush on ME for a few months! I NEVER KNEW THIS! After he realized he had told me that he got really panicked about it. I told him that it was flattering to find out he had a crush on me to ease him. And I mean... it is REALLY nice to know that. I mean, me? Alex had a crush on me!? I get why he was freaked that I'd be weirded out but it feels kinda cool.

Of course, though, Alex caught on to me and asked me why I was asking him about how he knew what he was feeling. I stupidly tried to cover it by saying I was just curious but obviously he didn't fall for that. It was at this point I just kind of unloaded everything. How I had been questioning myself for a while and how I didn't know what to make of any of it and then how after he came out it made me want to figure it out more. Then he asked me if I maybe thought I was pansexual and (after telling me what that was) I felt like that made sense to me.

The way Alex explained it was that it's like being attracted to the person someone is and like their personality and whether they're a girl or not has nothing to do with it. Hearing that was eye opening because, like, I don't know... I just find kind and caring people beautiful.

Truthfully it's still kind of a bit of a mess in my head. I mean, why does sexuality have to be so complicated? Either way, hearing about pansexuality definitely cleared some things up. It made me understand what Alex meant when he said he felt lighter after coming out.

By the time we had finished talking, it was just past 3 in the morning so we finally fell asleep. This morning, however, after Reggie VIOLENTLY woke us up by connecting my guitar to the amp and playing it at max volume, I got an idea.

It was sort of left field and definitely caught him off guard, but I asked Alex out on a sort of fake date. It took a small amount of convincing but I finally got him to agree to it. I figure why not go on a harmless little date as friends and do each other a favor. I'll find out if I like dating guys and Alex will finally get dating experience. What's the hurt, right?

We said we'd talk more about the details of it later and I gotta admit, I'm excited about it. Alex is obviously more anxious over it than anything but that's, like, his neutral state. I know it'll be fun and that he'll have a good time, though. I'm gonna make sure of it.

Oh I almost forgot! After Alex told me about his short lived crush on me, he told me that he thinks I look good in my tanks with the sleeves cut off. Now that I know this weakness of his, do I use my powers for good or for evil?