originally posted here : https://vopegist.tumblr.com/post/666870226421415936/shadow-mygpairing-no-pairinggenre-angst-word
pairing : no pairing
genre : angst (?)
word count : 810
rating : PG-13
warnings & other tags : detailed description of a panic attack
summary : Sometimes, it takes all one has to avoid succumbing and getting consumed by their own shadows. For Yoongi, though, that is how every day goes past.
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Breathing laboured, Yoongi's heart beats wild enough he might die. His fingers sink into his sheets, clutching the fabric till his knuckles turn pale white.
"No, no, no!" The words falling from his mouth are barely audible, yet they are all that he can hear, all he can sense. Deluded, he frantically waves his hands in the air warding off something, anything that could potentially be a threat, eyes beginning to gather a glossy sheen of his tears.
On nights like these, his worst fears come crawling to him, sinking into his skin, piercing through his bones till they numb his heart, numb his entire existence. Mind whirring with the worst of encounters any man could face, his nightmares haunt him, send him into a turbulent fit of emotions beyond his governance.
His ability to breathe has reached near impossible, tears endlessly spilling out of his eyes, creating a channel across his rosy cheeks. Yoongi is quick to wipe them off- like that would help- only for a torrent of even more of those saline drops to replace them.
Yet another addition on the list of things frustrating him, eating him away. This is perhaps the only matter he can control momentarily- his tears, but apparently, the leash of constraint over them seems to slip out of his hands too.
Quivering hands fish themselves into his hair, tugging upon the strands in agony. It hurts, hurts a lot, but so does everything in his life. At least this he can stop, this he can let go of, and the stinging ache dissipates.
If only he were so lucky in other aspects of his life.
His limbs have given out, yet he tries. Forcing his body out of his bed, he almost topples over, flopping onto the floor with a loud thud. He curls his legs closer to his chest, shrinking onto the near-freezing floor. It is no place to wail, no time to weep, either. But Yoongi is miserable, miserable and beyond help, yet he cannot find it within himself to give up.
The man tries, even if his body is threatening to yield under the pain.
"Please, please," he slurs, biting onto his hand to avoid being heard at three in the morning. "Make this stop," he cries out to whoever he is praying to, whoever is willing to answer his pleas, "please, make this stop."
Yoongi sinks himself deeper into the corner he has been hiding in, if that is even possible, balled up together and cowering away from what scares him the most— reality.
The buzzing of his phone is loud enough to tear him out of the cloud of darkness obscuring him. Eyes trained at the caller ID, he wipes his eyes against the overflowing sleeves of his sweater, and for a breath, his crying ceases. "Hello," his voice is all but a whisper, but that does not seem to bother the caller.
"Yoongi! Hi-" One does not have to look twice to tell it is Jung Hoseok on the other side of the line with his animated tongue. "It is an ungodly hour to call someone up, i know, but I was thinking of getting some pizza. Thought you'd still be awake so... are you hungry? You could come over and have some."
It is a modest gesture, but that is all it takes for Yoongi to crack. Exhaustion heavy on his lids, his eyes close by themselves, letting go of everything he was holding back.
His phone still clamped tightly in his hands, Yoongi lets a whimpery breath escape out. "Hyung- are you okay? Is everything alright?"
It is not a conscious action, but Yoongi still finds himself wailing, loud and unbridled when posed such a straightforward question. It is as simple as it gets- is he okay?
"No. no, I am not! Nothing is alright! I ca- help me, Hoseok, please, help me."
"Okay, okay, stay put. I'm coming over, alright?"
"Okay," he exhales, "okay. I am going to be fine." Taking a necessary pause to breathe, he chokes out again, "I am going to be fine."
Yoongi is aware of it- he is not weak. He might not be the strongest out there, but he is certainly not weak. Weak people do not admit the derailing reality of their life. Weak people do not cry out for help at three on a weeknight. Weak people are not backed by the impalpable push of faith, urging them forward every day.
Min Yoongi is.
He is not the strongest, but he is Yoongi- a man with the greatest weapon in possession. A man with an intangible sword crafted out of the finest of qualities- hope and courage- obstinate and steadfast in battling his demons.
He might fall, but he knows nothing better than to get back up.
And one day, he is going to win.
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thank you so much for reading! feedback is highly appreciated. take care lovely people ❤
