THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS - BWS

twenty-four

"I can't, I'm sorry," I said, as I pressed my hands on the grass to help me up. I couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't look at those beautiful eyes filled with heartache and rejection. Tears started to blur my vision and I bit my lower lip to stop it from quivering. After everything that happened in the last few weeks I thought my life couldn't get any worse, that I had reached the point where nothing could hurt or surprise me anymore. I was wrong. The pain I felt at that moment felt very real. How could I be grieving something that never even happened? I felt like I was grieving a relationship I never had. Why did it hurt so much? My heart couldn't possibly want this– want a vampire. What about children? I wanted to experience motherhood. I wanted to grow old with my partner, see our children grow together. If I chose him, I would have to give up the idea of having a family of my own. I would have to live knowing he had to kill to survive, that he had to drink blood. And I would have to live in constant fear that his control might weaken one day, that he might give in to his cravings for me. And at that moment, I couldn't. I was overwhelmed by everything and this was simply too much. I was very close to having a nervous breakdown. I needed to be alone, and most importantly, I needed to be away from him because apparently I couldn't think straight when he was around.

"Charlotte–," he called as he grabbed my hand to stop me from walking back to the horses. His grip on my hand was firm but gentle. He made me turn around until I was facing him, but I kept my gaze focused on the ground. I knew that if I looked at him, I wouldn't be able to hold my tears anymore. "Please look at me."

He placed his free hand on my jawline and gently forced my head up. Still, I wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Don't do this," I pleaded, barely able to breathe with his hands on me. I felt everything he said he felt too, the fire, the jolts, the ants crawling under my skin. It took all of me not to give in to what my heart was aching for. I squirmed in his grip, desperately trying to put distance between us, but he didn't let go.

"I know you feel it too," he said, his voice raw. "You feel this," he added as he brushed my cheek with his thumb, my body shivering in response. I bit my lip twice as hard, not caring if I drew my own blood. "And this." He pulled on my hand and a loud gasp escaped my lips as I came crashing into his arms, too disoriented to fight his hold on me. It was like being in a fog, like being in-between two worlds, unsure of what was real and what wasn't. His face lowered dangerously close to mine, his nose touching the tip on mine, and yet, I stood frozen, unable to move. "I know you feel all of it, and it won't go away by pretending you don't feel it." My chest was heaving fast, pressing my breasts against him with each breath. "I said that I won't force you into anything, and I meant it," he continued, his warm breath caressing my lips. "But I need to hear you say it– to hear you say that you don't want this."

My entire body was quivering, my thoughts still in a thick fog. I was torn between what my heart wanted and what reason urged me to choose. 

"Say it and I will let you go." His voice was desperate. He didn't need to elaborate for me to know what he meant. That he would let go of his mate but not of the Nephilim he still needed to fix the Gates of Hell.

Finally, I lifted my gaze to meet his. The despair in his eyes was enough for my tears to start rolling down my cheeks.

"I—," I tried to speak, my voice choking in my throat. "I don't want this."

I didn't recognize my own voice. Had I said those words out loud? They sounded foreign and wrong, empty of any meaning.

The muscles in William's jaw twitched. A shadow crossed his eyes and for a second I thought he'd have tried to make me change my mind, but he didn't. Instead, he released his grip on me and watched me take a step back with a look I hoped to never see again. He looked simply broken.