hide & seek || 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢 𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘴✓

saturday 16/10

10 AM— at home

“but i can't be with you”

her words made me feel like my heart had been ripped out. i knew this was coming but why does it hurt so badly?

after she said that, i didn't talk. she begged me to say anything, even to yell at her and kick her out, but all i did was get up, smile at her one last time and lock myself inside my room.

i don't know what she did while i was in there but she didn't disturb me.

she only did once, to slide a messily folded piece of paper under my door and say the words ‘buonanotte luna’.

after that, i heard the tapping of her boots in the hallway and then the front door being shut.

after that, she didn't call me or text me again.
only once, the same night, to tell me that she got home safely.

i read the text but i didn't reply.

on sunday, ethan came over.
i hadn't invited him, but i was so happy to see him at my front door that i didn't even question his random appearance.

he didn't stay for too long —maybe two hours or so— during which we did anything but talk about what had happened the day before.

before he left, he pointed at the piece of paper that was sitting in the pocket of my pajama pants.

“it's from victoria” i had explained.

he'd asked me if i'd read it. i said no, i hadn't.

for a second he seemed like he wanted to say something but he didn't. instead, he hugged me tightly one last time, said goodbye and left.

during the same week, on wednesday i think, ludo had reached out to me.

apparently victoria had blocked her number and her social media accounts.

but that's not why she called.

she said she just wanted to check in on me, make sure i'm drinking water and i'm not skipping any meals.

when i reassured her that i was alright, she told me that she hopes things get better for me.

i thanked her and we hung up.

for the second time, i had avoided talking about my own feelings.
great success, luna. 

the last person to reach out to me before today was my older brother, leo.

he lives at least an hour away yet he managed to get to my place and finally get me to spill everything.

i cried for hours in his arms, after days of my tears building up, leaving his shirt all soggy and wrinkled.

“it's gonna be okay” he'd said as i was still crying.

it made me cry even more.
but then he said something which added the last missing piece to the puzzle.

“you two getting back together would ruin you both; it already did once— i haven't forgotten. you love each other overwhelmingly much. love is supposed to feel like a soft touch, but you two were strangling each other with how attached you were. i think that's why she said that. she simply realised it before you did”.

at that specific moment i protested, i mean how could that even be possible? but then i thought about it again.

and he was right.

normally, significant others bring out your best self, but in our case it was a suffocating love.

it was love, yes, but a dangerous type. one that should be avoided.

and i finally understood.

after he left, i felt empty. but not in a bad way.
i finally felt my head calm down. as if i'd dropped a very heavy weight.

so today, is the day i finally read her letter.

my hands were steady as i unfolded the wrinkled paper.
it had a lot of dry stains and many corrections, pen over pen.

i take a deep breath and start reading.

«to my beloved luna,

i'm sure that you didn't read this as soon as i slid it under your door, but i'm hoping that you will at some point.
this has been one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make, but i have come to the realisation that we are a match made in hell.
i loved you and i still do, i really do, but during the time we were together, i felt like i was locked up.
but at the same time i felt like i was the one holding you back. it was like we were handcuffed to each other and we had thrown away the key.
a key we didn't bother looking for because we thought we didn't need it. i really thought i could live like this, but i couldn't. i still can't.
i am not blaming you; we are both to blame.
while you're reading this i will probably be away. if you've checked online you will probably know why, but i have decided to take a break from everything.
if everything went well, right now i'm in denmark. i don't know when i will be back, but i promise i didn't do it because of you.
lastly, i would like to let you know that i've cut all connections with ludovica. i don't know if you care or not but i think it is worth mentioning.

love, victoria»

i put the paper on the coffee table in front of me and reach for my phone. i hadn't been online for days, but this was too important to dismiss.

first post to pop up is a screenshot of an article, its headline being “famous band ‘måneskin’s bassist, victoria de angelis, has suddenly announced her temporary hiatus from all band activities”.

i tap on the link and read the article.

“on sunday, october 10th, the bassist announced via a post on her personal account that she will be temporarily taking a break, not hinting why nor when she will return. she left her fans with the phrase ‘don't worry, i will be back’ and has not been active on any social media platform ever since. click here to see her last post...”

i stopped reading and sighed.
so that's why ethan asked me if i had read the letter.
he already knew.

i turn off my phone and toss it on one side of the couch.

maybe this is for the best...

.END.