A Two Year Desire

Chapter Fifty

"Mathias their is no more we I don't think there ever was" I stand up in between her thighs getting up from being kneeled

" I Love you Adelina " I fight back, "If you loved me you wouldn't be destroying me in the process"

"I love you baby please believe that" I whisper. She didn't respond and I never knew anything could hurt more than this.

After a few minutes we laid on the couch each wrapped around a blanket and cups of tea on our hands, she looked hesitant to speak as she played with the rim of the cup I wondered what it would be like right now if I did show up that night, why didn't I go in the first place is what is eating me in my head.

"I didn't go" She looked up from her cup to meet my eyes. She looked tired, not just a simple i'll go to sleep and I'll be fine by the morning but it seemed much more than that. "Why?" She asked, I didn't know myself so I just shrugged. "You know that night I thought maybe this time It would be different. Maybe we can make it work, maybe I can finally put my commitment issues behind me and move on with you."

"What did you do instead of just sitting on your porch like me waiting?" Fuck now I feel extremely guilty for what I did.

"I went out" she nods, fuck what I wished I could read minds right now. "Nico and Liam?" she asks since they were out that night too but as much as I wanted to lie and say yeah I couldn't they knew Adelina and I were going out that night I specifically told them too.

"No"

"Was it another girl?" She hesitantly says but instead of looking at my face she looks back down to the tea that is definitely cold by now. I take a glance to her arms and hands, she's shaking and her breathing seems unusual, she's scared of my answer.

'Is this what I keep causing her?' Her arms look paler and skinnier than normal, she hasn't been eating again. I glance down to the inside of her arms as she's fixing herself on the couch. Red marks come into my view. Once I take too long to answer her question she looks back up to me her eyes look like she wants to cry but she has no more tears left for it.

"Did you sleep with her?"

"It was a mistake... I didn't mean for it to happen I promise" She sighs, shifting her legs away from mine. "What about london did you plan that" Im taken back "How do you know about that" She shrugs, fuck. I stand up near her.

"Nine girls, Two here, One stupid one" She stands up, she thinks she's the stupid one. "I really wanted you to change I hoped for it sometimes even prayed to the god who has done me wrong but the one thing I hoped was that he wasn't wrong about was me falling in love with you we might have not been together but that doesn't change the fact that you didn't think about me while you still went around. I was waiting for you it seems that is all im doing these years."

"Im so sorry" She hits my chest I couldn't feel the punch but I felt her pain, her anger and the betrayal running through her "I'm the one who's sorry I believed you. I believed when you told me you loved and cared for me you never did though and I know that now I can't keep standing here waiting for you to change I was stood up by you on the porch do you know how humiliating that was while you put your dick inside someone else. All you wanted was for me to be your puppy and listen to your shit but when have you ever asked about me when have you ever actually cared? You say you love me but all your doing to me feels like you fucking hate me, I don't expect anything else from you though. Im done Mathias Knight completely fucking done." She scoffed.

I let her hit my chest I know how much she needs it

"Fucking God say something!" She yells

"Like what!" I yell back just as frustrated. There's nothing I can do anymore my sorrys dont mean shit.

"Anything! I want to know why I can't keep going like this"

"What do you want me to fucking tell you those girls were from long ass time ago it was when we got into that other fucking fight because thats all we do. We fight we pretend to be fine for a while but we can't keep going like this were back and forth. Adelina I love you I won't deny that that girl was one from london she came back and wanted to meet up I told her about you I told her everything I was drunk I didn't know It's all I've known my father did it I can't help but do it too, Im sorry" I take a step to her she doesn't move but her chest rises the closer I get.

"Sorry?" I nod "I love you"

"Where?" Im taken back by her answer "What?"

"Where is it. Where is this love that you so desperately claim that you have for me. I can't see it I can't hear it, I can't feel it and that hurts. That really fucking hurts its like your stabbing me over and over again with a hot knife. You don't even understand how much you're actually hurting me do you? But today made me realize what is really happening that this - she points to us- We don't work we never will the universe is screaming it in our faces but we don't listen I think It's time though I don't blame you anymore for the pain im in, im the one that keep going back." She take a deep breath before speaking again.

"Only because your father cheated on your mom countless of times doesn't mean you had to also. You said you wanted to be better than him" She walked out of the house without another word, I dropped to the couch with a exhausted sigh.

The vase was too close to where my arm was resting I was too annoyed for anything and everything I threw it to the wall. I thought It would end there but it didn't plates, other vases, glasswear everywhere, anything that could be broken was by the end. I had the urge to go outside to chase her and hold her like before but she won't ever look at me the same. Her pretty brown eyes want everything but to see me again.