carry you

chapter one

He answers his door with bed messed hair, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He doesn't even bother to check, which is maybe irresponsible in his line of work, but he knows the routine by now.

He takes one look at you, and knows tonight is worse than most. Your eyes are red with dark circles beneath them. He makes a mental note to ask when you last slept... really slept, and wishes work wasn't pulling him away as often as it did.

He doesn't hesitate, pulling you into his chest and wrapping his arms around your frame. You haven't been eating, and it shows. He'll make it a point to cook you breakfast in the morning, but for now... now he just holds you.

You slump against him, and if you had any tears left you are sure you'd be crying, but you're empty in every sense of the word. You're a ghost, haunting him because you're too selfish to let go of the one connection you have left.

Grieving isn't unique to you, especially these days. But grieving Bucky Barnes is something no one else in the world could possibly understand.

No one except Steve Rogers.

And so you let him hold you. Over the last few months he has become your lifeline, the only thing between you and a complete and utter devastation that threatens to pull you under every second of every day.

He says nothing, instead taking your hand and leading you to his bed. He pulls back the covers, climbing in beside you and tucking you into his chest, because he knows the routine. You nestle in, focusing on his heartbeat, a reminder that you are still here.

Steve is still here.

You are not alone.

His hand traces patterns on your back, soothing you until you drift off wearing Bucky's henley, and listening to Steve's heart beat beneath your cheek.

*****

"Come home to me," you say.

The first time you say it is in the beginning - the days you can't stand to be alone. It steals his breath, filling him with an ache in his chest.

You sleep better in Steve's apartment. There was nothing left for you in Wakanda, but you haven't found anything waiting for you back home, either. Starting a life without Bucky has been such a daunting task. The places the two of you had once shared are hollow now, and Steve's home feels safe.

Steve feels safe.

You still carry Bucky everywhere with you, and you know you always will - but at least with Steve you aren't carrying him alone.

You start staying with him more frequently, until finally you stop going back to your apartment altogether. It's subtle - a shirt here and there, a toothbrush just in case. A new set of keys so you don't have to wait outside of the building in the middle of the night.

Then one day you find Steve in his office, building a bed frame.

He blushes when you ask him what he's doing, shrugging and saying he wants you to feel at home, that his office isn't really used anyway and he likes the company.

"Besides," he shrugs. "I promised Buck I'd take care of his best girl."

You smile at that, the first genuine smile in you weren't sure how long.

So just like that you move in.

Sometimes you're even strong enough to stay in your own bed, though more often than not the nightmares of dust and silence find you wrapped in Steve's arms.