All There Is

14.Matt

Take Me Home Tonight // Eddie Money

I'm holding Hannah in my arms. It feels like a dream. I've been living in a waking nightmare for weeks, sick of myself and the path I felt was inevitable. But here we are together in her room, laying on her bed. It is nothing short of miraculous.

My hand absentmindedly skims Hannah's stomach. Her womb. Our child is growing there. I untangle my arms from around her and slide myself closer to the place where new life is beginning. I owe our baby an apology, too. With hands on Hannah's hips, I lean forward and place a tender kiss over this precious life.

"I'm so sorry I made Mommy sad. But Daddy is going to work hard to be the man you both need. I already love you, little one." I rest my head on Hannah, right in the same spot I spoke to, and wrap her up in my arms. I can't believe I'm going to be a father, that I'm going to hold this life in my arms. And I'm going to make sure this baby knows how much I love it every single day.

I look up to find Hannah watching me, tears streaming down her face.

"I love you so much, baby." I haven't earned her forgiveness yet, but she's freely given it. There is so much more at stake now. But I have hope.

"I love you, too." She smiles through her tears. "We need to tell your mom. Unless you've already told her?"

"No. I didn't want to say anything until after I talked to you. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be so soon."

"Soon? It's been weeks and weeks since you and I have talked."

"I meant so soon after starting therapy. My first appointment was just this afternoon. I figured this lady would have me doing all kinds of work on myself before I would be allowed to reach out to you."

"And she didn't?"

I pull myself up to tell her face to face. "No. She basically told me I'd made a huge assumption based on zero evidence and I should trust you. We've always been a safe place for each other. Tiffany pointed out that you'd already shown me you could handle yourself around me."

Hannah throws her arms around me and pulls me in close. "I think I like Tiffany."

I nod, soaking up her warmth, basking in her scent and allowing myself to finally breathe. Then I remember that I owe her parents an apology for the way I treated their daughter. I picture Hannah and I having a little girl, and how I would feel if a guy she loved treated her the way I treated Hannah. I wouldn't be happy. I might get a little violent.

But I've felt guilty for so long...

"How will they ever forgive me?"

Hannah pulls me closer. "My parents? They will."

"How did you know that's who I meant?"

I feel her shrug through my embrace.

"It makes sense that's who you'd worry wouldn't forgive you. They're sad that this has been difficult for you and me, but my mom has understood where you were coming from. She's been cautioning me not to jump to conclusions or hold your actions while grieving against you. And truthfully, I didn't give them details. I just told them that you and I were taking a break."

I scoff. That's not what was in my head—a break.

"Can we talk about something else now?" Hannah's voice breaks so I cup her face and bring her gaze to mine.

"Never again. I'm in this. I'm doing the work no matter how rough it gets. I'm yours, baby."

After a shaky breath, Hannah nods and returns to our cuddle. This is home, right where I need to be. I can't believe I left it for so long. Hannah's arms are the only place I've ever felt truly loved, accepted. Seen. Adored.